let the punishment fit the crime Friday, Jun 18 2010 

  I have a stupid grin on my face.  My sweet husband has been reading the blog.  He found it interesting that I wrote about feeling more ‘in mommy mode’ during the summer because he said it’s already VERY obvious to him that this happens, but did not know that I realized it happens.

 He also ribbed me for writing about spanking even though we don’t spank.  I explained that our readers DO KNOW that, but sometimes ask for advice anyway.  

He never looked up from his newspaper when he said “well, for the combination of both of those offences, I really should put you over my knee.  That way you would know what you were writing about and you might snap back into ‘wife mode’ as well”.  I just kept ironing the shirts, but I can’t seem to lose this dumb grin.

Don’t you love it when they get all dommish on you?  **smiles***

Have a wonderful weekend,

God’s gift to him

PS  I somehow deleted an email from a reader who was asking some very specific advice.  If that is you, please accept my apology and send your questions again.  Thank you.

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summertime and the living is easy (but what about the D/s?) Monday, May 24 2010 

Summer is almost here, and by summer I mean summer break for the kids.  I love that I get my little sweeties back for a while.  I love that my Husband takes a week here and there for family time.  We slow down and enjoy each other and it makes for very nice togetherness.  But…

As nice as the family time is, there is very little grown up time with kids everywhere for every minute of the day.  I know it doesn’t really change that much, they still go to bed, we still get time for us late in the evening.  It’s just that it seems like we are much more in “mommy and daddy’ mode in the summer and feeling less like sexy spouses.

How about you?  Does summer vamp up your D/s dynamic or does it fizzle out in the heat?

Playing at par…OR How D/s saved my golf game. Wednesday, May 12 2010 

   Most people who live D/s believe it makes their lives better.  Not only does it enrich a marriage, but it can help  make life in general more fulfilling.  Some people are actually (and measurably) healthier because of D/s.  Sometimes a wife just needed help taking charge of her health/weight/fitness and her husband supplied much needed leadership.  It has also happened that men in a D/s relationship begin to take better care of themselves when they see someone is looking up to them for leadership and example. 

  So, here in Ohio, we are FINALLY into golf season and we’ve tried to make the most of it.   This means we have played three times, but with three little kids, that’s not so bad.  My husband really enjoys golf and plays a pretty clean game.  I do OK for someone of my size and for the short time I’ve been playing.   This week, I asked my husband to give me some pointers because I would like to become a better golfer.  He started low-key and told me little things like how to shift my weight or change my grip.  Later he would tell me when I needed a different club.

   Since I asked for advice, and really want to get better, I listened intently and did everything he said. Well, that was how it was suppose to go when it played out in my head.  Instead, I got frustrated, rolled my eyes and hurried to my ball and swung before he could tell me what to do again.  The shot did not go well and kept getting worse.

  He stayed calm when he looked at me and said “you asked for my advice and so you will listen to it and follow it as best you can”.  On the next shot I grabbed a club and walked to my ball.  He walked up behind me and handed me a different club.  I told him I wanted to use my favorite club.  I was informed it wasn’t the right club for the shot and my club was pulled from my hands.  I tried not to let him hear me grumble as I swung, but the somewhat smug look on his face was justified when I hit the green not 10 feet from the pin.

  After that, I was happier about taking his advice and the round just got better and better.  See how enriching D/s can be?  🙂  What about you?  Do you have  little ways that D/s makes things better?

D/s and marriage counseling Wednesday, Apr 21 2010 

    Just like any other ‘type’ of marriage, D/s marriages sometimes hit rough patches.  When these couples are brave/smart enough to get counseling, they often feel the  need to hide the D/s portion of their relationship.  A therapist and/or counselor who does not understand D/s and its positive benefits for the couple will often want to fix it.  If this couple is hiding how their relationship actually works at home, how is the counseling going to do any good?

   Similarly, anyone needing individual therapy is often very misunderstood if they identify as a Dominant or submissive.  I personally know a woman who shared about her marriage with her therapist and he set out to try to help her overcome her feelings of worthlessness and low self esteem.  This wonderful woman did not have either of these problems, she was merely submissive to her husband.  The therapist obviously saw this as a problem she needed to overcome.

  So, what to do if you live D/s and find you need help in this department.  There is help.  The national coalition for sexual freedom has a list of “Kink Aware Professionals” on their website .   The list is simply a resource to find a professional who understands that there is a wide range of “normal” within relationships.  You might not think your D/s marriage falls under the heading of  kinky, but these professionals can be a great resource should you need them.  They won’t try to fix your D/s, they will just help you fix your relationship.

  Just an F.Y.I. for all of our friends out there.

God bless you.

Establishing roles with a spanking Monday, Apr 12 2010 

I received a letter from a husband who is moving toward being a more dominant HOH (head of household).  He has asked for some advice.  With his permission, I am posting a portion of his letter…

   My wife says although she respects me as a person, she doesn’t feel real respect for me as HOH.  I feel strongly that we are in need of our own AHA moment, but I just don’t know what to do.  She doesn’t brat or really do anything wrong because she wants to please me.  From speaking with her, I know that she could use a straight forward dominant display with no chance I’ll back down.  She wants to feel my power. I think  a real spanking would do the trick, but as I said, she’s not naughty or bratty or anything like that and I don’t want to make a mountain out of a molehill just for the chance to spank her because she needs/wants it.  I could use your advice.

 Well, all my readers who spank may feel free to chime in here, but I’ll give this one a shot.  Even though we don’t spank, I think I can wrap my head around the dynamics of it.  Spanking is an obvious showing of who’s who in the D/s relationship.  From my own submissive standpoint, I would think that you can spank her just because you both need the roles established in an outward and obvious way. 

Would it be out of the question to call her to you and tell her that you know all her submissive needs are not quite being met and you’ve decided to try something new to help establish your roles within the household?  I believe it is just fine to take her over your knee and let her know she’s learning today that you mean what you say and will not be backing down.  Tell her you’ve realized that the only way you are going to get the full respect a HOH deserves from her is with her bottom warmed.  If you need to lecture her  during the spanking (and she hasn’t done anything wrong to correct)   tell her she’s asked to feel your power and now she is going to hold still because she asked for this.

Please see my other posts about spanking and how to do it properly. HERE (but no need for role playing) and HERE.   I know I’ve not had a full spanking before, but as a submissive, I do  understand the need for you to make sure you finish the spanking.  This could backfire if you can’t finish the job.  If you don’t have a crying, begging girl on your lap, your job is not done yet.  Be stern, be thorough and when it is over be loving to your wife who now understands things a little better.

Readers, especially the ones that use spanking, please chime in with your advice as well.

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This portion is being added on April 15th…

I have received several e-mails on the topic.  They range from kindly informational to insultingly mean.

I do not mean to insult the spanking community by posting on the topic without being in a spanking relationship myself.  I get asked for advice, I do what I can to provide a thoughtful answer. And I appreciate those that add their advice to the comments section.

It seems everyone (so far) agrees with me in the portion where I told the husband he can spank just to establish roles and without his wife doing something that needs punishing.  I used the word “crying” in the advice and that is where people are divided.

Once again, we do not spank and I am only speaking from a submissive partner’s point of view, but what I meant to express was the submissive’s need for the husband to see the spanking through to the end.  Each husband should be in tune with his wife enough to know when this point has been reached.  For some this may be tears, for some it may be when they are silent or are still and accepting of what the husband thinks is needed.  Every woman is different.

Blessing Sunday, Apr 4 2010 

Happy Easter dear readers.  Our redeemer lives!!!

A submissive has got to start somewhere Tuesday, Mar 30 2010 

  I have received very many uplifting letters lately.  I can’t tell you how wonderful all of you can make me feel.  Even during my break from the blog several of you let me know that my husband and I have been a positive influence in your lives.  You are an awesome bunch of people.

  I want to share one letter with you.  At the risk of tooting my own horn, I’m sharing this letter because I think it will give some of you hope who are just starting out and even more hope to those of you deciding if you should even start.  So, here is the letter copied and pasted exactly as it is in the e-mail.  The kind woman who sent it would prefer that she not be named, but I thank her very much for sharing.

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We have been married for eight years, and in that time I had managed to fight and argue with my husband until he had caved and given in to my whims…even when he knew I was wrong! The problem was that I had never found the nerve to tell him why I was really fighting him… It wasn t because I wanted to win- just the opposite – I wanted to lose! I wanted to fight with all I had, and I wanted to lose! We ve been doing this for years!
 I have always known I am deeply submissive. I am so submissive that it is almost impossible for me to ask for something I need, especially if I think he wont like what Im asking for. I would fight for days over things that didnt matter to me at all, but when it came to simply saying what I want from him, I couldnt do it! I wanted him to be in charge, and just know what I needed from him.  I was searching the web one day for the phrase “how to get my husband to dominate me” and I found your beautiful blog. I read all afternoon. I realised that our marriage was failing.  I took a leap of faith, and I decided that if you, and all the readers who had commented on your posts could find it in you to tell your husbands what you needed from them I could too! I found your husbands posts,answers from a dominant husband. While I read it I imagined what our life would be like if my husband could do those things that yours wrote about.  Before I could change my mind I had emailed him a link to your blog. I asked him to read his email… and thats when everything changed. He looked nervous when he started reading… but a smile was growing on his face! He told me to go out for the evening, and that we would talk when I got home. Then he smacked my bum and said NOW!
 I was so excited to find out what he was up to!! While I was out he read your entire blog! The whole thing. I came home to a new marriage that night! He sat me at his feet, held both of my hands and poured his soul out on the table, then he had me do the same. He told me that if I wanted him to be in control 100% that he needed to hear me say it. I told him everything I had been hiding inside of me all these years. By the time I finished I was sobbing. He told me that he wants the kind of marriage you have! He asked me to say out loud that I want him to use me for his pleasure, and I did. He then took me to bed and did just that. He talked to me while we had sex… something that was brand new in our bedroom! He told me that he was sorry for letting our relationship get to the state that it did. He told me that there are hundreds of things he wants to do to me, he said he will not put up with me fighting him anymore. He told me that I belong to him and that I am his to protect, and that he will always protect me. He told me how to move.. he moved me himself, he held me down, pinned me, and he made me do things I have always said no to. I loved every minute of it! I had never felt his power or authority in bed before and the beauty of it made me cry again. He didnt stop 🙂 He kept talking, and telling me how things were going to be from now on. He said everything I needed to hear, and he said it in the way Ive been needing him to say it! By the time we had finished we had been in bed for three hours! The best part was that afterwards, while we were falling asleep he held me so tight in his arms… and cuddled me. I have always pushed him away after a minute of two of cudding, it made me uncomfortable – but last night he didnt let me push him away. I tried and he told me that I am not to push him away anymore. That I am his and he will hold me when I need to be held. For the first time in our marriage I slept safe in his arms all night. I have never felt more loved and accepted than I do right now, and I owe it all to you and your blog. You have shown us the way, and I will be greatful to you for that, for the rest of my life. We changed that night, and we both know things will never be like they were again. My husband wont let it happen, and I couldnt be happier.
 Thank you, Gods gift to Him! You saved my marriage that night. I showed him your blog knowing that he would either take the not so subtle hint and want it, or that he would know I was looking for something he couldnt give me, and might just end things… we really were fighting constantly!  He is a new man today, and I am a new woman. I am so glad I found the nerve to tell him what I need! I love that my husband is so excited sexually by the freedom I have given him to use my body for his pleasure. he has been texting me naughty things from the office all day, and I cant wait for him to get home tonight.
 I want to thank you and your dear husband for sharing this with us! You have made a difference in this world. You saved a family that night. Im eternally greatful to you both.
 God bless you both
– Annonymous

Living a Dominant/submissive lifestyle with children in the house Tuesday, Mar 23 2010 

  I’ve received a couple comments and a few more e-mails about how we live our lifestyle with kids in the house.  You know me by now friends, and so you know I mean no disrespect to anyone when I say I’m not exactly sure what is being questioned.

As far as our sexlife, our kids see as much as anyone’s kids see–ZERO.  They do see a mom and dad who kiss and touch and hug a lot, but that is it.  They may have noticed by now that sometimes when mom and dad need to talk in our room for a minute, the door is locked.  I’d venture to guess that vanilla parents do the same thing.  And just like that vanilla couple, we have to wait until kids are fast asleep or at grandma’s for the weekend for the real fun to begin.

For our D/s dynamic outside of the bedroom, they see a happy mom and dad who are crazy about each other.  They see parents who talk and listen to each other.  They see that we both consult each other’s opinions on things and respect each others’ points of view because we each married a very smart person.

They see a mom who will do just about anything to please their dad and a dad who would rope the moon for their mom.

Do they see that dad is in charge?  I think so and I’m OK with that.  Have they seen him correct me?  I don’t know what they gleen from his subtle ways.  I know I’ve gotten ‘the look’ from him if I’ve displeased him and they’ve seen me quickly change gears, but I can’t be sure how much they read into anything of that nature.  Am I afraid they’ll think I’m weak?  If you knew me in real life, you’d be cracking up right now.  I can be a bit of a ball-buster, I don’t back down from things and I get stuff done.  People know they can count on me and my kids see that.

They know their daddy thinks I’m wonderful and so it’s OK with me if they know that he has the final say in this family.  They also know if mommy said something to them, daddy will back her up one hundred percent of the time.

As they get older they might begin to notice that our dynamic is a little different than what the world projects as the ‘right way’ to be a woman (or man) in a relationship.  I guess at that point I might have to explain that a life with a strong leader is the right way for us and has stopped any fighting and made family life smoother for all of us.  They are entitled to whatever type of relationship makes them happy when they are grown ups too.

  I do understand that those living lifestyles that include Domestic discipline, BDSM, poly relationships and the rest of the gammet have much more to consider when trying to coexist with kids in the home, but for us, it is just a natural way of life and the kids fit right in.  I can’t speak to the way those other families might juggle family life, but I hear that they do it just fine and their kids are just fine too.

The D/s doesn’t just go away Wednesday, Mar 10 2010 

  We have been away for longer than expected.  Away from the blog, but the D/s of a relationship doesn’t just go away.  I don’t think, if you have a D/s marriage simply because that is how you are wired, that it will ever go away.  It can’t.  That is unless the marriage goes away, but we don’t entertain that option.

  I have been particularly submissive pertaining to this blog.  My dear husband thought a break was in order and so I took one.  When I thought it was time to return, he did not agree and so there were no posts.  Things have slowed down and so here I am, all fresh and ready to serve.  I’ve missed you readers, but I didn’t have to pine for you because so many of you have e-mailed to send positive thoughts and well wishes.  You are a lovely lot.  All of you.

  It’s funny, there was a point where I was frustrated about not being allowed to write.  I’m sure you already know what I’m going to say next.  My big strong protector was right, and I’m better for listening to him.  He knows me so well that my obedience is usually good for me.  If that’s not a perfect match, I don’t know what is.

Happy to be back,

God’s gift to him

The nurturing dominant? Friday, Jan 15 2010 

  I know I promised to answer some questions, and I will, but right now I feel compelled to talk about the last month or so.

  We had some sad things happen that were hard to deal with.   These things are hard on any couple.  People act differently when consumed with emotion.  Differently, perhaps better, perhaps worse, but different.  Different can be problematic for a couple that has found their groove.  Things are chugging along and life is good and suddenly they are just ‘different’.

  Maybe you’ve always thought of the Dominant in a relationship as nurturing.  Maybe you have yet to consider that idea. When things get mixed up, it is easy to fall into the “old way” of doing things. Or to just fall into the routines of everyday life.  We were doing  just that.  I was keeping myself too busy to even notice that my submissive reserves were depleated.  We went on like that for a while.  I was feeling unhappy and attributed it all to the challenges we’ve been facing.  Of course, some of it was  because of the sad circumstances, but not all.

  He is smart enough to know I am not truly happy under any circumstances without the D/s aspect of our relationship being reenforced regularly.  He forced me to take care of myself.  He required I slow down the pace of our lives for a while.  Only because of my submission to him was I able to give our entire family what we needed.  I would have continued on trying to be superwoman had he not stepped in and announced that it’s OK to not attend EVERY holiday function, that people can take no for an answer and that if we don’t take good care of each other, we’ll be too burnt out to help anyone else.  I begrudgingly told a committee that they cannot count on me this year as he stood over me while I talked on the phone.  I canceled some plans with some family members even after they laid on the guilt and I was angry that he had but his foot down.  Our Christmas was much lower key this year because he had decreed it.  I complied while I rolled my eyes (and got sat on the floor by him for a stern conversation) and eventually realized he was right. 

  Sometimes families need to “hole up” in order to pull through together.  During the holidays when that can be logistically tricky, it takes a very strong leader to make it happen.  Very VERY strong and I thank God for him.

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