First time for everything. Tuesday, Jul 27 2010 

I’m trying for complete honesty about something unexpected that took place yesterday…

“I need you to come over here”


“No, on the floor here please

“K” (so far nothing seems abnormal-I’m often placed on my knees before him)

“I read your blog, you know

“I know, thanks”

“It gives me really great insight into how you, and we, are still changing”


“You should write more often

“Well, this year has been pretty crazy, and this summer is the busiest one yet”

“Yes, you have been really busy. How are you feeling?”

“Fine. I’m sure glad your mom wanted the kids for the night though, I could use some time to catch up on this house.  Why?”

“I mean how do you feel about us right now?  About our relationship?  About our ‘dynamic’?”

“I guess I haven’t really had time to stop and think about it, like I said, this summer has been crazy.”

“Yes, it has.  I have to apologize to you.  I feel I’ve let my side of the D/s slide lately because of being busy and because you seem a little frazzled. We haven’t felt like ‘us’ lately”

“It’s OK honey, I’m sure it’s not your fault.”

“Well, I AM the leader here.”


“I’ve been trying to think of a way to  reestablish our roles around here.  I’ve been lacking  and I know you are happiest when you are dominated and feel submissive.”


“Your blog had all the answers”

***quickly filing mentally through posts and figuring where he is going with this***

“Undress please”

  So, my mind is racing.  He is very very calm and speaking quite slowly. I stand up and face him and begin to remove my clothes.  He caresses my forearm a few times as if reassuring me.

  I’m maneuvered into an odd position.  If you can picture this.  There is an ottoman right in front of where he sits on the couch.  Imagine sitting on his lap, straddling him, facing away  then laying all the way down so one’s face and shoulders are on the ottoman.  So, I have a knee on each side of him, my shins up against the backrest of the couch, my belly on his thighs and my shoulders supported on the ottoman.  That’s as close as I’m getting to drawing a diagram.

  Then, he starts rubbing my lower back and bottom and thighs as they are right in his lap.  He begins telling me that he’s the boss here, even in the summer, even when the kids are always around, even when life is hectic and then SMACK.


You wrote about establishing roles with a spanking and we need establishing right now”  SMACK

“But….. but, but we don’t spank!”

Why don’t we spank?” SMACK

“Wait. ummm, wait.  We don’t spank because of my back injury.  Because of the nerve pain I get.”

Well, I don’t plan to get anywhere near that” SMACK.

He had been striking the outside of the back of my upper thighs.  The nerve pain I get runs down the main nerve in the middle of the back of the leg(the sciatic nerve for those of you who appreciate the technical side of things) and can be somewhat disabling when it really flares up.  He did his homework.  He wasn’t going to harm me.  Of course he wasn’t.

(Dialog after this point, gets a little sketchy, but I’ll do my best)

You wrote that as a submissive, you can understand the need to be put in your place physically.  You wrote that this is an obvious display of who is the boss.  We both need this.” (smacks every other word, I think)

 I may have panicked.  I was asked to put my hands under my face and keep them there.  I tried.

 Here’s some of the stuff that went through my head… 

 I wanted to cover up.  I’ve been in this position before with him in a sexual context and have not had the urge to cover myself even though I felt  exposed.  But yesterday, I had a powerful urge to cover myself.  This was not a sexual situation and the position felt nearly humiliating.  I’ve never wanted a pair of panties so bad in my life.


I’m ashamed to say that it crossed my mind that he would not go through with it.  That he would be done any second.  That he wasn’t serious.  That I didn’t need a “who is who”.  I actually doubted he had it in him. 

When it became apparent that he wasn’t stopping anytime soon, I started talking and was hushed.  I’m not sure what I said.  He went on about working at being the leader I needed.    I think I was sweating while he talked about over scheduling.  I know I was begging, while he talked about respect.

I was shocked at what he was able to deliver.  Since we don’t spank, I had never asked myself if he could follow through. My level of surprise tells me that I had underestimated my man.

The smacks slowed.  They were replaced by light rubbing.  The tenderness in his touch nearly broke my heart.  I laid quiet on his lap.  There were some soft murmurs from him now and then.  After a while he said “come here”.  I flipped around and roped my arms around his neck.

He ran his fingers up and down my back and through my hair. then he asked how I feel about us now.  I said the only thing that came to mind. 


“Me too.”

Needs and Wants Thursday, Jul 8 2010 

  I’d like to set the record straight.

I WANT to win this argument discussion.  I NEED to see you’ll stick to your guns.

I WANT you to pretend you didn’t see me roll my eyes.  I NEED you to not put up with it.

I WANT you to not mention that I forgot my cell phone again.  I NEED to know it upsets you because you care so deeply for my safety.

I WANT to walk away and not listen when you are reminding me (again) I have certain responsibilities around here.  I NEED you to keep me from walking away.  I NEED you to not allow the distance I sometimes try to create.

I WANT to clam up when you say it is time to talk about touchy subjects.  I NEED you to demand full disclosure.

I WANT (sometimes) to get louder and louder and make sure I am heard.  I NEED you to quiet me and not let this stupid thing escalate.

I WANT to steer this relationship and control the pace at which it moves (faster, please, faster!)  I NEED to know you have the wheel.

I WANT to serve you when it is convenient.  I NEED to know you will make it happen if it is your will.

I WANT to have sex when it is convenient.  I NEED to know you feel my body is yours for the taking.

I WANT you to go easier on me.  I NEED you to be more strict.

I WANT to throw out all the unwritten rules.  I NEED so badly for you to be stern when you enforce them.

I WANT you to back down when you’ve made tears well up.  I NEED you to never never never back down.

I WANT to hide any tears from you.  I NEED you to be strong enough to face those tears and push on through.  I NEED for you to be the only man in my life that knows you can cause the tears AND wipe them away.

I WANT to bat my eyelashes or unzip your pants and have you forget that nothing got checked off the list today.  I NEED you to hold me accountable. (then take off your pants)

I WANT to think I’m a bigshot around here.  I NEED to know who is boss.

There. See how easy I am to live with. **wink**

Let Freedom ring Tuesday, Jul 6 2010 

   I hope you all had as much fun celebrating our independence as we did.  We participated in every 4th of July cliché.  We BBQed, swam, ran around with things aflame on one end, watched the sky lit up for over half an hour with amazing fireworks.  This we do because we are FREE. 

  I’ve been thinking about how people not of this lifestyle may view a wife such as myself.  I don’t think ‘free’ would be their first thought.  Oh, but I am.  I am so lucky to be in a relationship where I am free to be the real me.  I can express my need to not be in control.  I have freedom to say absolutely ANYTHING to my strong HOH because he wants to know the real inner me.  I am free to ask that ALL my needs are met and not just the mainstream, socially acceptable ones.

   Because of the freedom of this relationship, I feel protected, cherished, sexy and loved.  Without the openness he fosters, I would not feel free, I would feel trapped.  I’ve been there before, trapped by words I cannot say, by emotions I’m afraid to express, by needs even I don’t quite understand. 

 Trapped.  Isn’t that the opposite of free?

  It takes work to get to this point.  A good HOH will ask for lots of feedback.  Ask lots of questions, demand the WHOLE story as an answer.  The more freedom the wife feels to express herself, the better things get.  Wives should also make sure the relationship is a safe place for him to be free with his thoughts as well.

  And what of these husbands?  What does the work get them?  Freedom to be a man.  Freedom to be truly masculine in his own home.  Once the work is in place, he has the freedom to create a peaceful homelife because his leadership is respected.  Let’s not forget freedom to get all his sexual needs met and more.

  So what if the world thinks submissives live in bondage.  We know how free we are and we don’t need a national holiday to celebrate it.

God bless,