D/s and marriage counseling Wednesday, Apr 21 2010 

    Just like any other ‘type’ of marriage, D/s marriages sometimes hit rough patches.  When these couples are brave/smart enough to get counseling, they often feel the  need to hide the D/s portion of their relationship.  A therapist and/or counselor who does not understand D/s and its positive benefits for the couple will often want to fix it.  If this couple is hiding how their relationship actually works at home, how is the counseling going to do any good?

   Similarly, anyone needing individual therapy is often very misunderstood if they identify as a Dominant or submissive.  I personally know a woman who shared about her marriage with her therapist and he set out to try to help her overcome her feelings of worthlessness and low self esteem.  This wonderful woman did not have either of these problems, she was merely submissive to her husband.  The therapist obviously saw this as a problem she needed to overcome.

  So, what to do if you live D/s and find you need help in this department.  There is help.  The national coalition for sexual freedom has a list of “Kink Aware Professionals” on their website .   The list is simply a resource to find a professional who understands that there is a wide range of “normal” within relationships.  You might not think your D/s marriage falls under the heading of  kinky, but these professionals can be a great resource should you need them.  They won’t try to fix your D/s, they will just help you fix your relationship.

  Just an F.Y.I. for all of our friends out there.

God bless you.

Establishing roles with a spanking Monday, Apr 12 2010 

I received a letter from a husband who is moving toward being a more dominant HOH (head of household).  He has asked for some advice.  With his permission, I am posting a portion of his letter…

   My wife says although she respects me as a person, she doesn’t feel real respect for me as HOH.  I feel strongly that we are in need of our own AHA moment, but I just don’t know what to do.  She doesn’t brat or really do anything wrong because she wants to please me.  From speaking with her, I know that she could use a straight forward dominant display with no chance I’ll back down.  She wants to feel my power. I think  a real spanking would do the trick, but as I said, she’s not naughty or bratty or anything like that and I don’t want to make a mountain out of a molehill just for the chance to spank her because she needs/wants it.  I could use your advice.

 Well, all my readers who spank may feel free to chime in here, but I’ll give this one a shot.  Even though we don’t spank, I think I can wrap my head around the dynamics of it.  Spanking is an obvious showing of who’s who in the D/s relationship.  From my own submissive standpoint, I would think that you can spank her just because you both need the roles established in an outward and obvious way. 

Would it be out of the question to call her to you and tell her that you know all her submissive needs are not quite being met and you’ve decided to try something new to help establish your roles within the household?  I believe it is just fine to take her over your knee and let her know she’s learning today that you mean what you say and will not be backing down.  Tell her you’ve realized that the only way you are going to get the full respect a HOH deserves from her is with her bottom warmed.  If you need to lecture her  during the spanking (and she hasn’t done anything wrong to correct)   tell her she’s asked to feel your power and now she is going to hold still because she asked for this.

Please see my other posts about spanking and how to do it properly. HERE (but no need for role playing) and HERE.   I know I’ve not had a full spanking before, but as a submissive, I do  understand the need for you to make sure you finish the spanking.  This could backfire if you can’t finish the job.  If you don’t have a crying, begging girl on your lap, your job is not done yet.  Be stern, be thorough and when it is over be loving to your wife who now understands things a little better.

Readers, especially the ones that use spanking, please chime in with your advice as well.


This portion is being added on April 15th…

I have received several e-mails on the topic.  They range from kindly informational to insultingly mean.

I do not mean to insult the spanking community by posting on the topic without being in a spanking relationship myself.  I get asked for advice, I do what I can to provide a thoughtful answer. And I appreciate those that add their advice to the comments section.

It seems everyone (so far) agrees with me in the portion where I told the husband he can spank just to establish roles and without his wife doing something that needs punishing.  I used the word “crying” in the advice and that is where people are divided.

Once again, we do not spank and I am only speaking from a submissive partner’s point of view, but what I meant to express was the submissive’s need for the husband to see the spanking through to the end.  Each husband should be in tune with his wife enough to know when this point has been reached.  For some this may be tears, for some it may be when they are silent or are still and accepting of what the husband thinks is needed.  Every woman is different.

Blessing Sunday, Apr 4 2010 

Happy Easter dear readers.  Our redeemer lives!!!