How D/s can help a marriage outside of the bedroom Thursday, Oct 29 2009 

Well, ONE way it can help…

I suppose I’ve always known, but I just fully realized one of the ways our Dominant/submissive style helps our marriage.  I know I’m always tooting the communication horn, but this is the subcategory of expressing yourself.

I’m not sure this one will work on paper (or screen), but I’ll try to get it down in words. 

Before we made the switch, I’d often have trouble really expressing myself.  I’d  keep things bottled up because it wasn’t worth wasting his time, or he might not understand, or another million reasons I had.  I thought I was being a nice wife by just keeping quiet about any discontent or sadness.  Turns out, this is another area where He knows best.

  What is different now?  He can and will use his role as Dominant to make me open up.  If he sees I am having a problem with something, or just not acting like my normal happy self, he will call me to him.  He may cuddle me in his arms or if he thinks the situation more serious, he may sit me on my knees infront of him.  He is wise enough to ask questions and silence is not allowed as a response.  I may be uncomfortable, but I obey and answer.

I’ve come to understand why this is so important to our marriage.  I’m a strong, “I’ve got this” type of woman.  Any problem I have is MY problem and I’ll figure it out.  That’s a bad philosophy for a marriage.  When I’ve found the need to come to him with ‘stuff’ in the past, I feel guilty for wasting his time, for making any small complaints when overall things are really good. I feared an argument.  The result was I don’t actually get anything off my chest because I don’t put the emotion in it, he doesn’t understand me, nothing changes and so I really did waste both of our time.

Now, he will get all “Dommish” on me.  Require of me that I spill my guts, even if it’s messy.  He’ll ask more questions about how this makes me feel.  He demands an answer and he’ll wait.  If tears come, he’ll stroke my hair in his lap, but won’t back down about needing an answer.  Sometimes I can only talk when he’s forceful about it.

I’m trying to explain why this works so well for me (and other submissives too).  As a submissive, trying to control the situation before just didn’t work for me.  Now, He controls it.  I’m not wasting his time by sharing my feelings, I’m obeying.  The pressure is gone to choose my words carefully or only reveal a little bit.  By asking, sometimes sternly, for me to express myself fully, he frees me up from all the ways I would edit myself in the past. A freedom I could never give myself.

I don’t feel like I’m bothering him or being silly anymore.  I’m simply submitting. It’s who I am to my core.  I’m lucky enough to have chosen as a husband a man who will not only ask for physical submission, but who will ask I submit my feelings and inner thoughts upon request.

I needed this so badly and didn’t realize it.  If he made me mad about something before, he had to deal with a silent, icy wife all day.  Now he can just sit me down and say ‘tell me what is bothering you, say it out loud right now’.  He frees me up to say to his face “I’m angry with you”.  Because he’s in control, he doesn’t feel attacked and I don’t feel bad about expressing it to him.  If he feels the need, he may apologize or explain himself and we usually both feel better.  If he feels I have overreacted, he at least will acknowledge my feelings, but then says something along the line of ‘this ends right now’.  He might send me to our room and tell me to come out when I can treat him warmly again.

To put it simply.  Before I felt like a high maintenance pain in the butt when I needed to talk about something and so I didn’t express myself very well.  Now, I’m being a good and pleasing submissive partner by sharing because he demands it of me and I can open up to him like never before. I can’t tell you how freeing this is.  When he gives me no choice but to share myself, I can do it with abandon instead of fear.

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dominant reader mail Thursday, Oct 22 2009 

I like that some of the readers here are dominant males. They occasionally post a comment, but are more likely to e-mail a question or thought.  Here’s a wonderful note from “Steve”.

  Dear God’s gift,

    Your blog has been helpful to me as a man examining his own dominant potential.  As you have said, you offer a peek into a submissive’s heart and that has been an interesting view.

    I would like to thank you for freeing me up to explore D/s more deeply than I thought I could.  I’ve had my wife read a few of your posts so I could ask her if she felt the same way or how she felt she differed from you.  I’ve even included writing assignment and you were right about the revelations that can come from them.

   I admit that I did not understand the submissive side of things until recently.  We’ve summed it up with this:  She wants to be pleasing to me.   This is not nearly as simple as it may seem at first.  Because of her submissive nature, she needs to feel that she can please me in any way I need.  In the past, if she couldn’t/wouldn’t meet a need or want of mine,  I didn’t make a big deal of it at all because I loved her.  She would end up in tears because of the guilt she put on herself over the tiniest of failures.

  With your help and her opening up to me, I’ve learned that she needed to feel she was still my good girl.  I don’t allow her to let herself down anymore.  Before, she would beat herself up if she didn’t do what I needed of her, not because of anything I would do, but because of her own submissive nature.   We’ve talked about it and I think I understand the let down she would get from not submitting to me.  We’ve discovered the answer.  I don’t allow her to NOT submit.  This took some adjustment in my thinking because I do love and respect my wife.

  I’ll try to show by example what I am speaking of.  Here’s just a small one.  I love her in certain outfits.  In the past, I’ve asked her to change into something I prefer and if she said she didn’t feel like it or asked if it was OK if she maybe did it later, I would say that was fine and it really was fine. The problem was that later she would start to feel  guilty over not complying with my request.  She didn’t feel like my good girl.  She might actually be in tears over not granting my wish and would feel like something was wrong with her submission which she prizes.  After our long talks, I do things differently.  If she politely turns me down, I now might march her into her closet and say “Now” or pull her over my knee for a few stinging slaps on the bottom and ask her if she’d like to try her response again.

  Even I would have thought this all sounded beastly a few months ago.  But, in my search to truly understand my wife and our new dynamic, I’ve realized how to meet her needs.  On occasions like the above example, she may sulk for a bit, but within a few hours, she thanks me greatly for helping her with her submission to me.  She no longer lives with any feelings of guilt or failure because I am strong enough to aid her in not failing.  I don’t allow her to let herself down.  I don’t allow her any actions that would make her miserable later.

  This has resulted in her greater happiness.  I’ve felt more manly too.  I didn’t think I needed to feel more masculine in our marriage, but it has done great things for our compatibility and intimacy both in and out of the bedroom.

Thank you for helping us understand each other,

Steve.

 

  Steve, you are very kind for sharing.  It takes a very strong man to be able to aid his wife with her submission in such a way.  It’s lovely how you embrace her submission and are able to use your position as leader to help her attain what she desires.  She must be so much happier without the guilt she had been applying to her own self defeat.

When more submission yields greater dominance Friday, Oct 16 2009 

  I’ve been thinking about how submissive I may or may not act on a regular basis.  I’ve said before that I’m a pretty headstrong  broad.  Opinionated, check.  Stubborn, check. Likes getting her own way, double check.  So how is it I identify as a submissive?  The short answer is dominant males turn me on.  Specifically MY male.

  Dominant behavior revs me up.  A strong hand on my neck gets my juices flowing.  A stern look makes me want to disrobe.  All this from my husband of course.

  So does he get more dominant when I am more submissive.  It’s hard to say.  What I do think happens is this:  He get more manly when I am more feminine.  I don’t believe maleness/femaleness are completly black and white, but for the most part you understand what I am getting at.  Right?

  The softer I am, the firmer he gets.  The girlier I am, the more testosterone flows.  The more yielding I am, the pushier he allows himself to be.

  So today’s lesson…        If you want him to grow in his dominance, revel in your own submissive side.

a little dominance goes a long way Friday, Oct 2 2009 

A few days ago I was cooking and he walked up and grabbed a handful of hair and pulled my head back.  Usually he would kiss me kiss me firmly, but he just studied my face.  I stood there, arms limp at my sides with a knife still in hand, face tilted straight up to the ceiling, lips parted, neck exposed.

I think he surveyed me for two whole minutes.  There was a brief flash of what was almost a grin and then he just walked away.

My man knows me so well…

I could think of nothing else until we finally got the kids to sleep.