…or were they?  I think back often about the way we started.  How scared I was to reveal my soul to Him.  I had begun to realize things about myself.  I thought things a smart, educated, strong woman should not think.  I felt things a discerning, opinionated woman should not feel. 

  I remember actually feeling shame when I realized the thrill I got was from loss of control. The high from being dominated.  The charge from being used. 

There was much trepidation when I realized it was more than just play.  If I concede the joy of submission am I letting women everywhere down?  How about myself?

I kept it all to myself for quite a while.  I eventually realized I must share it with Him.  We don’t have the kind of relationship where it is OK to hide ourselves.  That’s what it came down to: hide or expose.  And so one day I laid myself bare before him.

He took a painfully long time to contemplate it all.  He had chosen a strong-willed woman.  Would he find my desire to be submissive an ugly change? 

I admit to reading some blogs that may have not been the best place for a Christian woman to learn about herself.  But here is what drew me; The doms I read found such beauty in the submission.  They found the willingness of a woman to embrace that side of herself winsome.  I hoped and literally prayed that my husband could also embrace the side of me I was learning to accept as well.

So, the point of this post?  It’s hard in the beginning.  You  have to embrace something within yourself that may seem go against how you’ve lived your life this far AND THEN (if you make it past that first scary part) you have to trust a secret part of yourself to your spouse and hope what he sees is beautiful.

Thank you to a reader who wishes to remain unnamed.  She wrote…

    I struggle right now, at this point where he accepts what I have revealed, because acceptance doesn’t seem to be nearly enough for me.  I want him to find my submission precious and beautiful because it is for him alone.  I dream that he will want to encourage and nurture it and see how lovely of a thing it could be for him.  He seems to only tolerate it while making a small effort at dominant behavior every now and then to make me happy.  I know this is new and he IS trying. This stage, and I pray it is only a stage, is very frustrating.  Have you been there?

Is anyone else there now?  It really is a frustrating time.  You don’t want to push him but you do need to be heard.  Only you know the heart of your relationship. 

Small steps are tricky when you think you know exactly what you want.  Be patient.  As happy as I am with His progress toward Dominant leader and our relationship right now, I often wish for more.  I wish he could free himself up from certain ways of thinking and embrace dominance like never before.

We’ll get there.  And when I look back I’ll see that I have enjoyed the trip as well.

 

PS  My dear Husband wrote about the early months of our D/s in this article

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