My wife has received e-mails from people asking how I felt when she wanted to begin changing our marriage into more of a Dominant/submissive structure.  I thought I would respond for myself because the answer is complex and probably long too. Very long.
 
First of all I want to tell you a little about myself.  My life is dedicated to helping people.  I do it everyday and I would do it even if it didn’t support our family as well as it does.  I consider myself a very sensitive man and have a deep respect for women.  I adore my mom, my wife, my sisters and I feel that I am very well suited to fathering our little girls. Growing up, I had many friends that were girls and I was that ‘big teddy bear’ friend that would be a shoulder to cry on. I tell you this so you will know that I respect women.  I’ve never raised my hand to one.  I adore them.
 
I think women are beautiful and much more complex than men.  I think God made them that way and men can either fight it or embrace it.
 
Our marriage has always been passionate and loving and close.  We have always tried to have a relationship that was edifying to God.  We’ve always felt that God gave spouses each others’ bodies to be fully enjoyed. We also agreed that although God made us equals, he did appoint me head of the household.  We would work as a team, but the buck stopped with me.  I would work to listen to her and would like it if all my decisions pleased her as well, but if we couldn’t agree on something, I would go with my gut.  With this responsibility comes the knowledge that any mistakes made are mine and I need to acknowledge that mistake and try to learn from it so that I can better lead my family.
 
My wife is a very smart woman.  We are talking very intelligent.  She is also beautiful and works hard for a rockin body.  You would never think she had even one baby, but she has carried three.  When she was younger, she toyed with men.  They were amusing to her and she wasn’t always kind.  She says she “chewed them up and spit them out”.  She was focused on her career and didn’t see much more in them than a fun distraction.
 
We met and something just clicked with us.  We had very strong feelings for each other, but we nearly didn’t work out because I’m a quiet man and she is a very strong opinionated woman.  She’d run right over me if I let her.  At one point, I quietly let her know I would NOT let her.  I don’t think anyone had treated her like that before.  We became much closer after we had that understanding and I asked her to marry me.
 
A few years ago, she started talking about liking that I don’t let her push me around.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m wrapped around her little finger, but wanting to make her happy and being pushed around are two very different things.  I didn’t really get what she was talking about.
 
As time went on, she started pointing out more things she liked.  She’d say things like it makes her feel safe and protected the way I always hold her arm or knee or neck when we are sitting or standing close. Or that I made her feel all girly the other night when I was a little bit pushy in bed.  I made mental notes on comments like these because I want to remember what is working.  Don’t we all?
 
I started seeing her acting more and more feminine.  She also seemed even more interested in sex.  We finally sat down and talked about the changes that seem to be happening in our relationship and she admitted she was trying to encourage me to be more in charge.  She was trying to steer me toward that kind of behavior.  Why?
 
We didn’t have all the words we have for our feelings now.  She tried to explain that she had been noticing that she felt happier when she felt girlier.  She had always hated ‘girly’ stuff and feelings before and was having a hard time understanding it all now.  What she could tell me was that she liked it when I did little things that were more manly or kind of pushy or a little bit controlling.
 
I was a bit offended at that last one, because I know I am not controlling.  Manly yes, controlling no.  I asked for examples and the only ones she could come up with were in the bedroom.  She’d say that I had moved her from one position to the next without asking, just using my size and strength to do it and it was a real turn on for her.  She said that was taking charge in a way that made her feel feminine.  That I could understand.
 
I set out to try to do more of these little things to make her feel ‘girlier’ if those feelings made her happy.  My wife started caring more about wearing things I liked and styling her hair my favorite way too.  When I asked, she said she just wanted me to be really attracted to her.  I always have been.  She also couldn’t get enough of me sexually. Cool.
 
I asked for a lot of feedback.  I would take time for talks about the direction we were heading.  At first we talked in bed, but I found sometimes she couldn’t talk as well about these feelings ( we now know these are submissive feelings, but we didn’t then) when she wasn’t feeling them. Because of this, when I wanted to talk about the dynamics of our relationship, I began telling her it was time to talk and gently putting her on the floor between my knees.  Not in a sexual way, but it’s a submissive position.  It helped her talk to me.  I could stroke her face or hair and listen.  Sometimes I had to force her to talk.  I had to establish that I could not tolerate hiding information from me if this new way of relating to each other was going to work. I would ask a question and give her as long as she needed, but she was going to answer.  I sometimes asked questions that made me uncomfortable, but I needed to understand her. 
 
Things were great for a long time and then it seemed like she was trying to pick random fights with me.  Not big ones, just tiny little odd things that I didn’t understand.  When I asked about them, she said she didn’t know what I was talking about.
 
I have always considered myself a truly nice guy.  I tried the nice guy routine that had always worked for me.  It didn’t.  One time while trying to talk to her about a comment she made that could be interpreted as disrespectful, she just blurted out “why on earth do you put up with that? You wouldn’t at work.” and walked away.
 
The next time she let off one of these confusing little quips, I pulled her aside and pulled her tightly into my arms.  I held her back to my chest because I was afraid I might not be able to keep a stern face.
 
“That is enough of that, Little one.  Do you understand me?.
“uh  huh
“Say I understand.
“I understand.
“Right”.  And I released her and slapped her on the rump as she walked away.
 
It felt weird to me.  But it stopped whatever was happening over the last few days.  I think she might have been mad at me right then, but she was attached to my arm soon after.
 
It was then that I realized that I wasn’t making these changes for her.  Well, not JUST for her, as I was before.  I could use my manliness to make our household happier in a matter of minutes.  The nice guy approach took hours or days and sometimes things were not better.  The ‘head of the household’ approach changed things instantly and made my wife more attracted to me.  Go figure.
 
 Once I made this realization, I didn’t have to act anymore.  I could say the things I needed to with a stern face and strong words because I now agreed it was the right way to handle the situation.  For whatever reason, this new belief in my role of husband made me much more comfortable with taking full control in the bedroom.  And I TOOK it. She was thrilled.
 
We began to talk even more, long evenings with both of us talking. Me coaxing words from her.  I established that she couldn’t turn me off and encouraged her to tell me everything she felt.  Even if she thought it was dark or wrong.  We finally were able to identify her feelings as submissive and that helped us both understand.
 
One of these evenings she poured out more of her inner self than ever before.  This is when I learned that she wanted to really feel my power. That it made her feel girly and the submissive feelings that resulted made her happy.  She told me how she wanted to feel like I would use her body if I wanted it.  She wanted to know if I felt like I had that freedom.  She wanted to know if I was capable of using force.  I didn’t know what to say.  I held her and thanked her for sharing herself with me.
 
I began allowing myself the freedom to use her body.  To take her when I needed to.  This too felt foreign at first.  I have always been a gentleman and taken her needs into account.  Always.  Moving in this direction stoked both of our libidos.  I never before would have thought of calling her into my office for quick oral sex, but since it crossed my mind one evening I tried it.
 
 The result was she felt “mine” and submissive and happy.  I was surprised at how beautiful it was for me that my sweet wife would please me with a smile and expected nothing in return.  I inquired about it later and she did have one complaint;  I had asked her.  I had asked her if I could have a blowjob please.  I told her to tell me specifically what she would rather hear.  She left me a note later and I still have it.  It changed how I talk to her and handle her for the rest of our marriage.
 
  I need to work. I can’t focus because all I can think about is that gorgeous mouth on my cock.  Get on your knees for your man, baby. Mmmmm, that’s my girl.
 
 I understood from then on how her submission worked.  I understood what kind of words she needed too.
 
  When things got antsy again as they had before, she once again could not explain to me  what was ‘not right with her submission’.  It is then we had the AHA moment.  Gentlemen, I cannot express to you how the time we lost saddens me.  If we had understood the need for a submissive wife to feel the power and full control of her husband sooner, we could have been on our way a year before.  We didn’t know anybody like us and had no example.  We didn’t even have the words for our dynamic. 
 
  To sum this all up. At first I played along to make her happy.  After she trusted me enough to bare her soul over and over, I saw the woman she really is.  This allowed me to embrace being more masculine.  Really masculine, the way our society teaches men not to be.  At first I wasn’t sure, but it made her happy, it made our marriage happier, our household happier.  It took much longer for me to embrace my dominant nature than it did for her to embrace her submissive nature, but it is finally real.
 
I let my testosterone flow because she has made a very safe place for me to do it.  It is met with femininity, beauty and freedom.  She is free to express herself for the strong woman she is and I can adjust any behavior with a single look or word if needed.  No more fights about it, no long drawn out days of hard feelings.
 
 Our sexlife is more passionate than ever.  I have outlined in other posts how I use her body for my pleasure.  It took me a long time to be OK with saying I use her, but that is what I do.  It makes her happy.  I also love to see her aroused and I love to see her sated.  Sometimes I use her body to stroke my own ego. I please her and please her and then sit back and stroke the hair of my woman who is limp from the sexual ecstasy I brought her.  Talk about feeling like king of the world!
 
Calm happy household and crazy steamy sexlife. My wife feels sexy, protected and adored.  I feel strong, in charge and wanted. I think I made the right decision.

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