Thanks for all the e-mails men (and also ladies).  Once again, I’d like to point out that I do not have the answers for everything.  All I have to share is inside information on one single relationship that works like this.  I am glad it seems to be helping so many of you.

  I guess it is time to share about sex.  As I plan out this post, it seems I have the least to say here.  Since I’ve already shared so much about ways to control with your voice, your presence, your strength the information is not new, just apply it to the bedroom.  I’ll try to be a little more specific.

  In our relationship, sex was where I was first comfortable taking control.  We’ve all done it at some point in vanilla relationships.  My wife gave me a whole new freedom by making herself always sexually available to me.  Now instead of hinting that I’d like to get some tonight, I began making it happen while trying to be a bit creative with my control.

  I’d start by telling her to go get her body ready for me and wait on the bed.  She’d smile and run off to the bathtub.  I may tell her to touch herself while she waited.  As our relationship progressed and we developed skirt days , I new she was always prepared for me and I could start things up whenever I wanted.  I still often send her to the bath because she likes it and has time to think about what may happen next.

  So what actually happens?  Whatever you want to happen.  She’s made herself available to you and you’ve put some thought into making the night interesting, right? That’s the flipside to getting anything in bed you’ve ever wanted, you need to do some homework and think through a few things to keep it exciting and keep her submissive feeling flowing.  I would never call it a downside.  I don’t see how anyone can see a downside to fantasizing all day about my sexy wife and how I will come up with new ways to let her feel my control while she lets any control of her own slip away.  Many men do this, but I get to live it out later that night.

  You can control in many ways.  One thing that excites my wife is when I spell out how the night will end. You can be vague: “when I’m through tonight, I’ll have to tuck you in because you will not be able to move” or you can talk about your plans: “Before I’m done, you are going to be pushed and rolled and rocked hard in every position I can think of” or you can be very very specific: ” You are getting a XXXXXX in the XXXXX  before I’m through, but don’t worry, we have hours of fun before that happens”    Here’s the catch, if you say it, make it true.

 I’ve already talked about using your voice.  Say anything, just us your deep voice now and then.  Don’t talk her ear off, but keep control.  The simplest “mmmm, that’s a good girl” can flood her with submissive feelings.

  Don’t forget you can use your voice for commands and “assignments”.  I try not to use it too often, but I love it when I tell her the only word she can say the whole night is ‘please’.  If I do things that make her yell out, she has to turn that yell into a please.  If she doesn’t, you can “correct” her behavior any way you see fit.  You may substitute any word or words you like.  I mix it up.  Sometimes I tell her I dont’ want to hear a word come out of her.  Often I don’t control her voice.  It’s just another tool in your bag of tricks.  As stated in part 2, you can also tell her to keep her eyes closed, or open or on you or never on your face.  You can tell her to keep her hand clasped behind her neck all night or any combination of things.  You can enforce them anyway that pleases you.

  Blindfolds can be fun on occasion because a level of control is instantly taken away. If she has agreed that she is comfortable with it, you can sometimes bind her hands with belts or ties.  This can be exciting because she trusts you or she would not be in this type of relationship with you.  I would warn against using these things too often as they can become a crutch and you should be able to take any control from her without props.

  Toys are great and can be lots of fun.  I’ve sent her to our toy box and told her to pick out one she would love for me to use tonight and one she wishes I wouldn’t.  Toys are great when you find yourself close to orgasm but want to keep things going.  You just grab a toy and use it in a way that brings YOU pleasure.   Do you like a certain view?  Flip her around to a position that gives you your favorite view and get those toys humming.  Of course she is getting attention and nice sensations but you are doing it the way you want.  To be specific in our case, I love it when I have my wife get into the position of being on her knees with her shoulders and face dropped down to the bed.  She looks so submissive there with her gorgeous rump hiked up in the air for me.  I sit right behind her and play using toys and fingers and talking now and then.  She loves having no control like this and usually has an orgasm before I move on to more sex.  By doing things like this you can make things last for hours.

   The trick to things like the last paragraph is to make it seem like you are doing it for you, you are doing those things because you want to see it done.  Get out of the rut of doing her favorite things to her body all in a row because you’ve learned she likes it that way.  I make sure she is well pleased by the end of the night, but I do it now in a way that makes it seem like it is for me.  You can still do all the things she loves, but control the situation.  She wants to feel submissive to you and she can only do that when you are in control.

  That’s really all I have to say on that.  You can have vanilla sex, but with the right words growled in her ear and strong hands on her body, you can have her floating on submissive feelings for days.  Not that it needs to be vanilla, no no, mix it up all you want, wake the neighbors.  What I’m saying is you can take control in the most simple of sex acts.  You can be in the missionary position with her hands firmly pinned, a leg forced over your shoulder,  her unable to look you in the eyes or say anything but “yes!” and words that have never made her feel hornier breathed into her neck.  Basic sex or crazy sex it doesn’t matter, just take control and keep it by denying her any control of her own.

  I once stumbled upon an article where the author had surveyed people about the amount of control they felt in any given sexual position.  I have tried and tried to find it and cannot.  I can’t remember the exact order but I do remember the positions that partners felt the least control in:

  1. Doggy style.  Can’t see partner-so let her HEAR you.
  2. Rear entry while laying down.  Same as above.
  3. Receiving anal sex.  I found it interesting that the author didn’t break this down into different positions as well since it can be done in many positions, but the idea was that just receiving anal sex was a very submissive act.  Trust level must be high.
  4. Receiving oral sex for women.  Funny, men seemed empowered by it and most women felt no control. Also not divided into the many positions possible.
  5. Giving hands free oral while laying down.  AKA  Face f***ed.  Women feel so controlled in this situation with their head hung back off of the bed or an ottoman or couch and the man thrusts just like regular sex but into her mouth.  The level of trust here is huge.
  6. Man on top.
  7. Receiving a spanking.

  I don’t know if that is helpful, but it’s something to think about when planning on taking control.

  One last thing I want to discuss.  I have  a few things that I do on a regular basis.  I really didn’t want my wife to know this, but I have a little list I like to make sure I do every 6 to 8 weeks.  I actually check them off to make sure I take time for each one.  Otherwise, I might forget what I have and have not done.  She has told me what really brought on the flood of submissive feelings that make her so happy and I make sure to give her what she wants.  So here’s my list.  Every 6-8 weeks I make sure to squeeze these things into our regular lovemaking:

  1. I use her body for release.  I discussed this in another post, but she wasn’t feeling ‘used for my pleasure’ enough before I started doing this.  There are times I really need her in this way, but if it has been a while, I just do it anyway whether I truly need it or not.  I just come home, bend her over the bed, control with my voice, thrust enough to cum and that’s it.  Later I’ll tell her how beautiful it is to me that her body can make a hard day disappear.  Instead of sex, I may call her into my office if I’m stressed and pull her to her knees and unzip my fly.  I keep working, she gets me off.
  2. I make sure she knows she has been f***ed.  (I hate to let the cat out of the bag on this one, maybe I’ll tell her not to read this post)  She is so happy when she feels like I just can’t get enough of her.  So once every month or so I take an evening and make sure there are at least two or three full hours of solid sex.  I ride her harder than usual, use much more control than normal and make sure there is never a time when she doesn’t have my cock or a toy in her somewhere.  Just FYI men, you can thrust with toys that are phallic shaped.  For some reason men think they are just to be inserted and left there a while.  As long as there is lube, you can thrust.  I use the positions that make her feel submissive, I talk dirty, I ignore her words if she is allowed them, I push her boundaries, I use lots of names and phrases that show I’m in charge and I don’t quit until I really think she can’t take anymore.  Then I cuddle up hold her very tight after forcing that last orgasm out of her and she is asleep in no time.  The next day she is like a little kitten wanting to sit on my lap, play with my hair, kiss my neck.  She says her submissive high is renewed all day because when she moves and can still feel what I did to her.  She says it’s like women who get off from spanking and then enjoy that little sting when they sit down the next day.  I’ll see if my wife wants to share about the first time we did this.  There are very personal details and I’ll let her decide how much to disclose.
  3. I play with her with my clothes on.  Again this was in another post, but it’s one of the things I do to keep the submissive feeling pumping.  I may grab a toy or two and then lay her out on or bent over the coffee table or my desk.  I look at her, let her know I’m looking.  Some women do not prefer to be displayed for you in full daylight, but she has given her body to me and  I let her know I want to see it. I love to put her over my lap and play and tease and deny and please.  It may be for a few minutes or while I watch an entire TV show.  She feels like she belongs to me.

So, I try to work these three things into the mix every so often because she feels the most submissive doing them.  Don’t use my list.  Pay attention to your wife after trying new things.  Ask her about them.  Even if she seems shy about talking about it, you can demand her honesty.  You are in charge here, so do not allow her to hide her thoughts from you if you need them to assess the situation.

  Many couples just starting out find writing to be helpful.  Since the husband is the one who is actually trying new material to please his wife and help her bring out the submissive feelings she craves, it is acceptable for you to ask for feedback.  Give her writing assignments.  How can you know if you are hitting the mark or not without her input.  Ask her to write something to you every two weeks or so.  You can give specific assignments (what IS working for her, what she really didn’t like, when she felt the most submissive and why, words she wishes you would/would not use, her darkest fantasy, a fantasy she would like to make reality, contol outside of the bedroom, control in public , ways you use her body, ask her to come up with a new way that you can use her body etc.) or just ask her to write about your progress as a couple.  Do not judge if she really opens up and exposes a kink to you.  Make it known that you will discuss what you feel needs to be discussed  after reading. I strongly urge you to do this, even if it seems juvenile.  You can send her e-mail prompts or ask for things hand written.  If you do this by e-mail you can use the search function at a later date if you need to go back to something. She’s helping you with YOUR homework. This is how I learned some surprising things that were giving her just what she wanted in and out of the bedroom. It can only make you closer.

  Once you learn what really does it for your little subbie, get your own list going.

  Feel free to keep questions coming.  If you are reading this, yes YOU, You right there wondering if I mean you, please leave a comment or send an e-mail and let us know if we are giving you what you need.

 

God bless you.

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