response to part 4 Monday, Mar 30 2009 

It was brought to my attention that my husband prompted me for a story in his answers part 4..  He had asked me not to read part 4 so I didn’t.  I went to Him and asked what the readers were talking about.

  He said He told the men that some evenings he chooses to really REALLY wear me out and thought I might like to share about the first time this was His goal.  I know exactly what he is talking about. 

  Every now and then he seems really very pushy and things go on for hours with Him taking breaks for Himself, but  me not getting any breaks at all.  For hours.  Really.

  These times differ from other romps sometimes only by length but usually in that he seems to push me more toward total submission.

 The story of the first time is mostly in the ‘surprise’ ending. I’ll leave much out, but if the more graphic storytelling lies outside of your sensibilities, feel no need to read further. 

  He was particularly dominating that night and my head was spinning with submission from the words he was choosing.  I was not allowed to look in his eyes and I could only say ‘more’.  No matter what he asked me, the answer was ‘more’.  He spent over an hour with me, but he avoided giving me any orgasms which was not like him.  He did all the things that make me feel most submissive.  He did something new, which was to tell me to act like his fingers were a penis during a blowjob since his cock was elsewhere at the moment.  All I could say was ‘more’.  Oh, the feeling of his control over me!

   On this evening, he had announced that he was going to have me every way possible.  I knew that this meant we would end the evening with anal sex.  (I’m not sure why a lot of Christians have a problem with this, but it is not a sin as long as both partners enjoy it.  If you don’t know how to do it safely, please look it up before attempting. )  We both know that you should not go back to any other acts after anal sex, so on the occasions we utilize it, it is the end of our lovemaking session. 

  After taking me anally over a large footstool we keep in the bedroom he stood up and told me not to move an inch.  I was panting like crazy because he had kept me on the edge of orgasm for over an hour but always changed things up when he could tell I was about to explode.  I laid there with my rump in the air and wondered why he denied my orgasms. I was so exhausted I didn’t really care. He went to my nightstand and grabbed a few of the feminine wipes I keep in there and cleaned me very thoroughly and told me again to not move.  From where I lay, I could see into the bathroom.  I watched as he started the shower, soaped up in less than a minute and stepped back to me.

  I think this is the part he wanted me to write about.  When he came back, he started over!  I was in shock that we were not done. He  did everything he had done earlier again only this time making me cum every chance he got.  He forced orgasms on me and didn’t give me any chance to recover before moving on to more.  If he was close to orgasm, he used a toy or fingers for thrusting but made sure I was always filled with something.  He called me greedy when I said ‘more’.  I needed to shout and that was the only word allowed. He pushed sensations to be stronger and stronger and see what I could take.

 He was more controlling and rougher than normal and when it was over I collapsed in a sweaty little heap in his arms.  I fell asleep listening to him call me so many sweet names. 

  That was the first time he just used and used and used my body.  You all know I crave the submissiveness only He can bring out in me and this had my head spinning for days.  The next day, all I could say was “GENTLE!” if his hands got anywhere near me, but I loved the hum my body had all day because of the way he loved me the night before.  When I thought he was done the night before, it was only intermission!

  Did I cover the parts you wanted, dear?

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The use of force after consent Monday, Mar 23 2009 

I have been getting some wonderful e-mails.  A reader named Jen contacted me because one of my posts made her sad for me.  I thought I might share the letter with you.  

 

Good morning God’s gift to Him,
 
   I would like to tell you about something that happened between my husband and I recently.
 
  I was reading over your posts and I related to your statement in which you said that you were sad when your husband said he would never force you.  My husband said the same thing and while at first I accepted it, the more I thought about it, the more I cried.
 
 I needed to really feel his power, I begged for just one chance.  I implored for permission to say no and be taken anyway.  He did hear me out but had problems with it on several levels.
 
 He didn’t see how it could happen without being a game since I have given him my body along with blanket consent.  The “no(s)” would be phony, the struggle just play acting.  Also, there was his feeling that it is  wrong to treat a woman this way.
 
  Although not my cup of tea, and I don’t like the idea at all, I asked about spanking.  I asked because at least I would feel overpowered.  I live to please him and he said he could not foresee a situation where he truly felt I needed such strong correction.  Again he talked about how this is our lives, not a game, not playacting.  If it’s not part of our true dynamics, he argued, how could it be real?  Then of course there is the part where he can’t imagine ever raising a hand to me or any woman.
 
  I, of course, do not want to make him do anything that goes against his personal morals.  I don’t want to MAKE him do anything.  I, like you, had to accept I would just never get to feel his power in this way.
 
  God’s gift to Him, I want to share what happened soon after, as it may be thought provoking for you and also your Husband.  I would hope you can at least share this with him since you and I have the same desires of our men.
 
  Without another word about it, my dear husband secretly set out to see if he could come up with a situation that could give me what I needed while not forcing him past his moral boundaries.  He said he thought and thought about what would make it real and not playacting also.  What would make it feel like it wasn’t contrived and not make him feel like a violent beast.  He did it!  What he came up with may just seem like rationalization, but he was trying so hard, FOR ME, to make it ok in his mind to give me what a needed.
 
  One day, he started talking a bunch about how much he appreciates the way I follow so well and try to please him.  He asked if he had specific directives for me now and then, would that be OK.  Up until now, we always discussed things and came to conclusions together.  I told him if he thought something was important, of course I would do whatever I could to obey.  He just smiled and kissed me.
 
  Over the next few days he came up with little requests that didn’t really mean much, but I did what I could to please him.
 
  One day, after several days loaded with tons of fun sexy activity, he said “I really think we should give your body a break tonight”.  I just shrugged and said OK.  HE said “I’m telling you that I don’t think you should be penetrated at all today, do you understand?”.  I figured he was thinking I might masturbate if we weren’t going to have sex, so I said, “sure, no action at all today, I promise”  He said” I especially don’t want any semen in you”.  That just seemed weird to me but I told him it wasn’t a problem.  He grabbed my chin and said “you’d do anything to obey me, right?”.  I hadn’t realized this was a serious conversation until now.  With is eyes locked on mine i said “anything”.  He smiled and patted my backside.
 
  We went about our day.  Over dinner he got a very serious look and talked about his faith in me that I would to whatever it took to obey him when something was really important to him.  I asked him if this was about sex and he said it was just about my obedience.  He had never really talked about obedience before.  He reminded me of our talk earlier and that was that.
 
  On the couch later during some kissing, he reached down and pressed his hand between my legs under my clothes.  I playfully told him “no no no, sorry,but I don’t make the rules”.  He stopped and hugged me and said “good girl”.
 
   Later he tried again with the same result.  Only a few minutes passed and he tried again, but didn’t stop with my reminder of his “rule”. I had to push his hands away, but he put them back again.  I grabbed his hands and he pinned my arm back.  At this point I was still smiling wondering why he was being so funny about this.
 
   He began to press fingers into me and I said “No. I don’t want this. I don’t because you told me not to let it happen today”.  He whipped me around and said my ‘No’ means nothing to him.  I pushed against him and was pulled tight to him with one hand while the other searched between my legs.  I used the strength of my legs to press away and ended up breaking free and landing on the floor. 
 
  He stood over me and growled words like he never had before.  “You are mine, I take what I want”.  With that he drug me down the hall into the bedroom and literally ripped my clothes off.  I wasn’t processing what he was doing.  I just knew he wanted me to obey his directive from earlier. I would.
 
   Can you believe this? He was giving me what I thought he never could. I fought, I screamed, I begged him to stop.  I tried reason “I know you don’t want this, don’t do this”.  The struggle was long.  Looking back I think he drew it out for me.  He is so strong, he could have conquered me much sooner.
 
   When he did win the fight, I started to cry.  It was a very peculiar feeling that I had let him down, actually DISOBEYED, by allowing him to have sex with me.  Then I remembered that he had also said no semen should enter me.  I fought, begged, sobbed, scratched again. I would not let him down.  He used his voice and his strength in ways I had only dreamed of.  The words he used, the way he said them, were complete control.  His brute strength used to subdue me brought bliss no orgasm ever could. He won.
 
   He got off of me and laid next to me and held me close.  He said he loved me over and over again and we both went to sleep.
 
 I was on a submissive high for days.  My husband looked so manly to me and I racked my brain for ways to please him.  I know I will never feel his power physically like that again, but the gift he gave me was amazing and so unselfish.  Because of that one night, I feel his power in all the little things he does.
 
   God’s gift to Him, maybe this could help other husbands give to their wives.  My man took it upon himself to make the struggle real and so the power I felt was real also.  Many people  may not understand this need, but for women like us, it is so very real.  It ate at me that my husband would not ever take my body if I resisted.  Blanket consent was not enough for him, but he found a way to make it all right.  Since I was fighting FOR HIM, he allowed the fight and I will be grateful for the rest of my life.
 
Happy Wife,
Jen

when only full submission is enough Monday, Mar 16 2009 

I received a letter from a reader and want to share it and my answer with you as it may help others.

Dear Gods gift to Him,
 
  My wife has offered her body to me and given consent to be taken at my whim.  This has been very pleasurable for us both and made our marriage much happier.  Your husband’s recent advice has also been very helpful.
 
  After talking about some of his ideas we came back to a topic we have visited before.  There is one way she is not able to give herself to me sexually.  I myself do not have a problem with this and can live without it.  I feel I have her full submission without it.  She, however, dwells on it and is sad he cannot force herself to offer her body in this way and so she feels she does not give herself fully to me.  I do not feel a need to spell out the actual act, but it is most likely not what many would think it is, it is pretty ‘vanilla’ as you would say, but she has a hang up because of her past.
 
  Because she has never offered her body this way to another, she desires to give herself to me in this way.  She has let me know she trusts me with her life and has asked that I help her overcome this.  She says if she hands control of this area over to me and I take my time with it, she thinks it will lose the power it has over her and all she will feel is my power.  These are her words.
 
  I hope this makes sense to another woman and you can give me some advice.  Hopefully very candid advice.
 
  Thank you,
  An adoring husband

 

  I’ve thought about this an discussed it with my husband.  I asked the reader to please share with only me the act his wife was having trouble with.  He did and he’s right, it’s not what I was thinking.  Given five guesses I would not have gotten it right.  You just never know which act, so simple and loving to one, may have aspects that bring up feelings of fear and powerlessness in another.  This is why communication is key.

  Since his wife has asked him to take control of the situation and help her give herself in this way, I came up with an idea.  As a submissive I think this is how I would need it handled.

  First, let her know the problem is now yours.  It is no longer hers and she should not give it another thought.  You love her, will help her with this problem and help her reach this goal over time.  Let her know she should release any thoughts she has on how soon or when or how and just trust that you have the situation under control.  Listen to her reaction and calm any fears and then calmly state the problem is no longer hers, it’s yours.

  Second, several lovemaking sessions later when it is not fresh in her mind and she is very aroused put her body into the position for this act.  Don’t do the act.  (I’m tiptoeing around words here that will give away facts I have promised to keep a secret).  Keep her in this position for a while, using strong hands and reassuring words that are stern if needed.  Let her know it’s not going any farther but she needs to stay in place.  Praise her for her ability to be in this position with you and call her sweet names.  If an emotional response happens, I would say “it’s OK, I’ve got you” and keep her there just a minute more then move on to a form of lovemaking she really enjoys and feels very safe with.  I would do this several times over a period of weeks or months making sure not to do it every time and only when she is aroused and feeling loved.  Once it seems easy for her I would move on.

  Third, again this is tricky without  using words that are a dead  give away, but I would do the same as the last step, but tell her you are going to touch her now. Use strong hands on her to keep her in position and lightly touch her.  The first time, this may mean a single light touch. Reassure with words that let her know you are in control of this.  Use sweet names.  Like the last step, use reassuring words if any emotional responses occur.  She may feel such lack of control that she panics, but you will be strong and reassuring for her.  She has asked you for this.

  Fourth, talk about it when not in a sexual situation.  This may be a tricky conversation.  As a submissive I can just hear how the conversation may go and how confusing it might be for the husband.  She may be unable to say it’s going OK.  She’s scared of giving up this one little corner of control she’s hung on to but she’s asked you to help her give it.  Essentially, she needs you to take it from her and at the moment that is not OK, even though she wants it.  CONFUSING, I know.  She may not be able to reassure you in the way you are looking for, but then again, she may be able to and may already be grateful for the progress.  Who knows.  If all you can get out of her is that it’s not as horrible as she thought and she appreciates your patience, then you are on the right track. 

  Fifth, escalate step three until there is serious touching, massaging, and/or pressure with your fingers in that position.  This step could take a very long time since you will not be doing this every time you have sex.  Just now and then.

  Sixth, move her into position again and let her know she will feel you there but without penetration.   Again go through all the steps of assurance and control.  Make sure she feels your control, she needs to know at least one of you has it together right now.  As always, finish with your normal lovemaking.  Continue over a period of time until this is easy.

  Reader, if you think you know what this couples’ situation is at this point, I can almost guarantee you are wrong.  I’m trying to use very generic words here and in actuality they sort of don’t apply to the couple, but I’m trying to make it apply to most acts if the wife is trying to work through something.  The couple received this play by play with advice specific to their situation.

 

Seven, weigh the decision heavily as to when she is ready.  You need to once again find a balance in your lovemaking in which she is feeling very loved, very aroused, and very much like you are fully in control.  Move her into position and hold her there a while.  Speak to her.  Tell her that her body is all yours.  Every inch is yours.  Any way possible is yours. Penetrate her and reassure her with words that make her feel submissive.  If she has a favorite like I do with His  ‘that’s my girl’ I would use her favorite now.  Finish the act.

 Eight, give much much aftercare.  She may be ecstatic she has now given herself fully, she may cry because it is so emotional to be able to let go of that baggage.  She may be so proud to share herself with you in a way she has never offered another.  Cuddle, kiss, touch, love.  Use words that let her know you are honored and proud of her.  You can also let her know that was HOT!

  Nine, don’t assume it’s just going to happen next time with no prepwork.  Be just as careful the next few times you decide to do this again.

  Ten, once she seems pretty comfortable with it, have a sexual romp in which you are being pretty darn bossy and instruct her to “ask for it”.  She may have no problem anymore.  If she is like me, she may think she has no problem when you are in control, but now that she’s in a position to control what happens next, she can’t.  Let her know you are still the one in control and that what you want  is to hear her ask for it.  If it comes easy, have her beg for it.  Be stern but reassuring.  If she can beg for something she once could not offer up to you, the situation is now under control.

Well, there’s the two cents of a happy little submissive wife in a steamy relationship with her controlling husband. Readers, yes? no?

God bless you,

God’s gift to Him

    

Answers from a Dominant Husband part 4 Thursday, Mar 12 2009 

  Thanks for all the e-mails men (and also ladies).  Once again, I’d like to point out that I do not have the answers for everything.  All I have to share is inside information on one single relationship that works like this.  I am glad it seems to be helping so many of you.

  I guess it is time to share about sex.  As I plan out this post, it seems I have the least to say here.  Since I’ve already shared so much about ways to control with your voice, your presence, your strength the information is not new, just apply it to the bedroom.  I’ll try to be a little more specific.

  In our relationship, sex was where I was first comfortable taking control.  We’ve all done it at some point in vanilla relationships.  My wife gave me a whole new freedom by making herself always sexually available to me.  Now instead of hinting that I’d like to get some tonight, I began making it happen while trying to be a bit creative with my control.

  I’d start by telling her to go get her body ready for me and wait on the bed.  She’d smile and run off to the bathtub.  I may tell her to touch herself while she waited.  As our relationship progressed and we developed skirt days , I new she was always prepared for me and I could start things up whenever I wanted.  I still often send her to the bath because she likes it and has time to think about what may happen next.

  So what actually happens?  Whatever you want to happen.  She’s made herself available to you and you’ve put some thought into making the night interesting, right? That’s the flipside to getting anything in bed you’ve ever wanted, you need to do some homework and think through a few things to keep it exciting and keep her submissive feeling flowing.  I would never call it a downside.  I don’t see how anyone can see a downside to fantasizing all day about my sexy wife and how I will come up with new ways to let her feel my control while she lets any control of her own slip away.  Many men do this, but I get to live it out later that night.

  You can control in many ways.  One thing that excites my wife is when I spell out how the night will end. You can be vague: “when I’m through tonight, I’ll have to tuck you in because you will not be able to move” or you can talk about your plans: “Before I’m done, you are going to be pushed and rolled and rocked hard in every position I can think of” or you can be very very specific: ” You are getting a XXXXXX in the XXXXX  before I’m through, but don’t worry, we have hours of fun before that happens”    Here’s the catch, if you say it, make it true.

 I’ve already talked about using your voice.  Say anything, just us your deep voice now and then.  Don’t talk her ear off, but keep control.  The simplest “mmmm, that’s a good girl” can flood her with submissive feelings.

  Don’t forget you can use your voice for commands and “assignments”.  I try not to use it too often, but I love it when I tell her the only word she can say the whole night is ‘please’.  If I do things that make her yell out, she has to turn that yell into a please.  If she doesn’t, you can “correct” her behavior any way you see fit.  You may substitute any word or words you like.  I mix it up.  Sometimes I tell her I dont’ want to hear a word come out of her.  Often I don’t control her voice.  It’s just another tool in your bag of tricks.  As stated in part 2, you can also tell her to keep her eyes closed, or open or on you or never on your face.  You can tell her to keep her hand clasped behind her neck all night or any combination of things.  You can enforce them anyway that pleases you.

  Blindfolds can be fun on occasion because a level of control is instantly taken away. If she has agreed that she is comfortable with it, you can sometimes bind her hands with belts or ties.  This can be exciting because she trusts you or she would not be in this type of relationship with you.  I would warn against using these things too often as they can become a crutch and you should be able to take any control from her without props.

  Toys are great and can be lots of fun.  I’ve sent her to our toy box and told her to pick out one she would love for me to use tonight and one she wishes I wouldn’t.  Toys are great when you find yourself close to orgasm but want to keep things going.  You just grab a toy and use it in a way that brings YOU pleasure.   Do you like a certain view?  Flip her around to a position that gives you your favorite view and get those toys humming.  Of course she is getting attention and nice sensations but you are doing it the way you want.  To be specific in our case, I love it when I have my wife get into the position of being on her knees with her shoulders and face dropped down to the bed.  She looks so submissive there with her gorgeous rump hiked up in the air for me.  I sit right behind her and play using toys and fingers and talking now and then.  She loves having no control like this and usually has an orgasm before I move on to more sex.  By doing things like this you can make things last for hours.

   The trick to things like the last paragraph is to make it seem like you are doing it for you, you are doing those things because you want to see it done.  Get out of the rut of doing her favorite things to her body all in a row because you’ve learned she likes it that way.  I make sure she is well pleased by the end of the night, but I do it now in a way that makes it seem like it is for me.  You can still do all the things she loves, but control the situation.  She wants to feel submissive to you and she can only do that when you are in control.

  That’s really all I have to say on that.  You can have vanilla sex, but with the right words growled in her ear and strong hands on her body, you can have her floating on submissive feelings for days.  Not that it needs to be vanilla, no no, mix it up all you want, wake the neighbors.  What I’m saying is you can take control in the most simple of sex acts.  You can be in the missionary position with her hands firmly pinned, a leg forced over your shoulder,  her unable to look you in the eyes or say anything but “yes!” and words that have never made her feel hornier breathed into her neck.  Basic sex or crazy sex it doesn’t matter, just take control and keep it by denying her any control of her own.

  I once stumbled upon an article where the author had surveyed people about the amount of control they felt in any given sexual position.  I have tried and tried to find it and cannot.  I can’t remember the exact order but I do remember the positions that partners felt the least control in:

  1. Doggy style.  Can’t see partner-so let her HEAR you.
  2. Rear entry while laying down.  Same as above.
  3. Receiving anal sex.  I found it interesting that the author didn’t break this down into different positions as well since it can be done in many positions, but the idea was that just receiving anal sex was a very submissive act.  Trust level must be high.
  4. Receiving oral sex for women.  Funny, men seemed empowered by it and most women felt no control. Also not divided into the many positions possible.
  5. Giving hands free oral while laying down.  AKA  Face f***ed.  Women feel so controlled in this situation with their head hung back off of the bed or an ottoman or couch and the man thrusts just like regular sex but into her mouth.  The level of trust here is huge.
  6. Man on top.
  7. Receiving a spanking.

  I don’t know if that is helpful, but it’s something to think about when planning on taking control.

  One last thing I want to discuss.  I have  a few things that I do on a regular basis.  I really didn’t want my wife to know this, but I have a little list I like to make sure I do every 6 to 8 weeks.  I actually check them off to make sure I take time for each one.  Otherwise, I might forget what I have and have not done.  She has told me what really brought on the flood of submissive feelings that make her so happy and I make sure to give her what she wants.  So here’s my list.  Every 6-8 weeks I make sure to squeeze these things into our regular lovemaking:

  1. I use her body for release.  I discussed this in another post, but she wasn’t feeling ‘used for my pleasure’ enough before I started doing this.  There are times I really need her in this way, but if it has been a while, I just do it anyway whether I truly need it or not.  I just come home, bend her over the bed, control with my voice, thrust enough to cum and that’s it.  Later I’ll tell her how beautiful it is to me that her body can make a hard day disappear.  Instead of sex, I may call her into my office if I’m stressed and pull her to her knees and unzip my fly.  I keep working, she gets me off.
  2. I make sure she knows she has been f***ed.  (I hate to let the cat out of the bag on this one, maybe I’ll tell her not to read this post)  She is so happy when she feels like I just can’t get enough of her.  So once every month or so I take an evening and make sure there are at least two or three full hours of solid sex.  I ride her harder than usual, use much more control than normal and make sure there is never a time when she doesn’t have my cock or a toy in her somewhere.  Just FYI men, you can thrust with toys that are phallic shaped.  For some reason men think they are just to be inserted and left there a while.  As long as there is lube, you can thrust.  I use the positions that make her feel submissive, I talk dirty, I ignore her words if she is allowed them, I push her boundaries, I use lots of names and phrases that show I’m in charge and I don’t quit until I really think she can’t take anymore.  Then I cuddle up hold her very tight after forcing that last orgasm out of her and she is asleep in no time.  The next day she is like a little kitten wanting to sit on my lap, play with my hair, kiss my neck.  She says her submissive high is renewed all day because when she moves and can still feel what I did to her.  She says it’s like women who get off from spanking and then enjoy that little sting when they sit down the next day.  I’ll see if my wife wants to share about the first time we did this.  There are very personal details and I’ll let her decide how much to disclose.
  3. I play with her with my clothes on.  Again this was in another post, but it’s one of the things I do to keep the submissive feeling pumping.  I may grab a toy or two and then lay her out on or bent over the coffee table or my desk.  I look at her, let her know I’m looking.  Some women do not prefer to be displayed for you in full daylight, but she has given her body to me and  I let her know I want to see it. I love to put her over my lap and play and tease and deny and please.  It may be for a few minutes or while I watch an entire TV show.  She feels like she belongs to me.

So, I try to work these three things into the mix every so often because she feels the most submissive doing them.  Don’t use my list.  Pay attention to your wife after trying new things.  Ask her about them.  Even if she seems shy about talking about it, you can demand her honesty.  You are in charge here, so do not allow her to hide her thoughts from you if you need them to assess the situation.

  Many couples just starting out find writing to be helpful.  Since the husband is the one who is actually trying new material to please his wife and help her bring out the submissive feelings she craves, it is acceptable for you to ask for feedback.  Give her writing assignments.  How can you know if you are hitting the mark or not without her input.  Ask her to write something to you every two weeks or so.  You can give specific assignments (what IS working for her, what she really didn’t like, when she felt the most submissive and why, words she wishes you would/would not use, her darkest fantasy, a fantasy she would like to make reality, contol outside of the bedroom, control in public , ways you use her body, ask her to come up with a new way that you can use her body etc.) or just ask her to write about your progress as a couple.  Do not judge if she really opens up and exposes a kink to you.  Make it known that you will discuss what you feel needs to be discussed  after reading. I strongly urge you to do this, even if it seems juvenile.  You can send her e-mail prompts or ask for things hand written.  If you do this by e-mail you can use the search function at a later date if you need to go back to something. She’s helping you with YOUR homework. This is how I learned some surprising things that were giving her just what she wanted in and out of the bedroom. It can only make you closer.

  Once you learn what really does it for your little subbie, get your own list going.

  Feel free to keep questions coming.  If you are reading this, yes YOU, You right there wondering if I mean you, please leave a comment or send an e-mail and let us know if we are giving you what you need.

 

God bless you.

Answers from a dominant husband part 3 Friday, Mar 6 2009 

Again, the titles to my posts here on my wife’s blog are an attempt at the amusing.  I don’t classify myself in this way.  I end up with this position, though, because I have a submissive wife.  She adores actions from me that give her submissive feelings.  I think this is because she is a take charge type of girl in every other aspect of her life.  I’m sure she was sometimes downright scary to work for during her career. Intense, that may be the word for her.

People who know her in her day to day life would be shocked, I think, to find out that she likes me to wear the pants around here, but she does.  Boy, does she.  During our slow transformation, her submission to me drew out her feminine side like I had never seen before.  It’s beautiful.  She wanted a peaceful life where there was no power struggle.  One in which there was a leader and a follower.  I think we have just about achieved this.

So today I want to talk about disagreements because you have asked much about them.  Does being the leader mean my wife never gets her way?  no.  NO NO NO NO NO.  In fact, when any struggle for power, any struggle to come out on top is removed, I’m MUCH more inclined to listen better to her, to really understand her and then to make a decision that is best for US.  Before, I wanted my way, would shout my side, would fight to win.  Life is easier this way even if she gets her way more often.  Now that there is no struggle, winning doesn’t matter, what’s best for us matters.  The problem is, she’s so smart that she’s often right.  Before, admitting it meant I lost, now admitting means We win.

In this new relationship we have, she is OK with me having final decision because she knows she is heard without the sideshow of winning and losing.  If it ends up that I decide against her wishes, she is able to let it go because she knows I must really think it is best for our family.  Well, most of the time.

The other times are when I may have to step up.  Sometimes, rarely really, things don’t go just like that.  Sometimes, she may really just  want her way.  Or sometimes, I may decide I have my mind made up before hearing her thoughts on something.  Both are equally wrong, but because of our type of relationship, she is the one frustrated.  Being the strong woman she is, she can’t just walk away.  She is going to be heard one way or another.  Things escalate.  Before,  I would rise to her volume, if I wasn’t the one there first.  Now, things are different.

Now, I don’t get loud or out of control.  With the responsibility of head of the household, I had to give up my “right” to escalate an argument.  As leader of this relationship, it is my job to get things under control.  When she gave up her right to any final say, I gave up my right to lose control of my emotions.  This was not easy at first, but I think it has been two years since I’ve reverted back to my old ways of yelling, arguing, or dare I say, namecalling.

I can understand completely why someone without the ‘power’ in the relationship might sometimes become emotional and disregard guidelines we have established. I would not do well with her role in our marriage.  Even though I understand why she is doing what she is doing, it does not mean I tolerate it. 

Here is where today’s advice begins.  If you are established as the head of the household in BOTH of your minds, then what do you when things start to get out of control?  You take control.  It’s your job.  How do you do this?  You stay calm and you enforce guidelines you have established within your marriage.

 If she is being disrespectful, as NEITHER of you should be, it is completely within your rights to stop that behavior immediately.  “You will not talk to me this way” or “that is enough” should be said in a way that she knows you mean business.  Sitting her on the floor in front of you as discussed in Part 1 is often helpful.

It is my experience that my wife escalates an argument when she feels I am not “hearing her out” on a subject before making a decision.  Once I have control of the situation, I let her know that I will listen to anything she has to say once she calms down. I may ask her if she can calm down right now, or if she would like me to hold her for a few minutes or perhaps she may need a few minutes alone in our room before continuing.  I respect whatever she chooses and then I hear her out completely without any patronizing.  If she says she can calm down right now, but doesn’t and tries to keep an argument going, there are a few things that have worked.

   One thing is to make one of the other decisions for her, that is either hold her tight, even against her will, or send her to our room for a while to calm down.  I go to her when I feel she is calm so that I can hear what she has to say.  Another thing that has worked is for me to tell her to listen while I remind her of  how she has asked that these situations be dealt with. I’ve had to say “you Will be quiet” and “close your mouth now” to her before.  This only works if I have managed to stay very calm.  If I am upset and yelling then none of this will work.

  Before, I did not have the power to say such things to her. In fact, I didn’t think it right to do so.  Therefore, we often went back and forth, getting louder and louder, each pushing for their own way.  Fights would last for hours.  Nothing was accomplished and we felt horrible about each other and our marriage.

  Now, things are over quickly.  She knows even if she is upset and acting a bit badly, I will hear her out when she speaks respectfully of me and our marriage.  She has my focus, is not yelled at and is even free to express herself however she needs to knowing that I will not let it escalate the way it did before.  Before we know it, we are back to our very happy selves again and she often thanks me for steering the situation with my calm demeanor.  We feel better about our marriage instead of worse.

You may remember she did NOT thank me for trying to keep a fight from happening the night of her “AHA moment” (see post titled Just For Men) but things are different now with a new level of respect for my control.

  This post may seem like there is not much new information in it, but if you can master staying calm and showing your strength and leadership when things get heated, it will do wonders for your relationship.  Your wife has asked for your leadership in the marriage and if you can keep it together in these times, it will certainly strengthen the new relationship you are trying to build.

submissive wife to the rescue Monday, Mar 2 2009 

We welcome all comments, really.  But if you comment, don’t be surprised if you also get a response. 

Someone wrote:

How is it you can write this and think it is not offensive to your wife?

    I’d like to address this and let him know why I am not offended.  The ONLY reason I COULD be offended by this is the fact that this is private information.  The decision to share about our life was mine.  We are sharing to help out some internet friends who desire to take steps towards a relationship like ours.  We have vowed to be as honest as we can be if it will help another marriage.  My sweet Husband would NEVER sit around and tell others about our intimacy.  We are hoping to keep some degree of anonymity while we share in this venue.

   My Husband would never degrade me.  If you think activities he has decribed are degrading, you must have only skimmed this blog.  If you read everything, you would see that I’m wired for service to my mate.  I enjoy and find excitement in situations where control is taken from me. (this applies to my Husband ONLY, because I love and trust him and he would never hurt me.)  He is creative in His use of my body.  I find much security in knowing that if something crosses His mind, He doesn’t fear me condemning His ideas as sick or wrong.  Because he knows I’ll please him anyway I can, He comes to me, not to another, not to a fantasy world, ME.  The trust involved is bonding.  The security palpable.

   Another thing to think of in regards to the last post:  Many of those things are done for MY benefit.  I crave his sexual attention.  I want to know I’m desired.  My darling takes time to think through a myriad of ways to make me feel pursued and sexy and they include my sexual satisfaction much more often than his own.

  If the comment made by the reader is in reference to our whole “situation” and not just the post, then I just wonder why he reads here.  If he doesn’t like how we live and how happy it makes us, he should move on and not give us another thought.

God bless you,

God’s gift to Him