My husband has been going over the questions you have sent him and is giving them much thought.  Your comments and e-mails have been very thought provoking and have sparked some great discussions between the two of us.

My dear husband does not think he can answer them in one post without it getting tediously long, so He will be writing a few post over a couple of day.  Here’s your last chance to get your questions to Him.

In our private discussions over the last few days, we came back several times to a touchy subject which may be wildly unpopular if this blog is read by those who are not inclined to our lifestyle.

  This topic springs from a recent question from a reader named Ryan.  He asks

Your wife states that she needed to “know beyond know that when push comes to shove, my man did not back down, Would not back down, not for anyone, not even his wife”. How do you make sure that you have made her fully aware of this? How do you KNOW she feels it?

  My dear Husband and I now ask that all the wives STOP READING.  Please ladies, we are not fooling around here.  If your true desire is to follow your husband in a relationship like ours,  DO NOT READ ANYMORE OF THIS POST.  Please take this as a directive and husbands, we encourage you to request of your wife to never return to this post.   As requested we are going to lay out some things in detail and those very details could have the affect of the control you want from your husband not being as powerful as you would like.  The greater your draw to this type of relationship, the stronger I urge you to let the following information be just for your husband’s eyes.

 

 

   So, just the men now then?

 

  For the rest of the post my writing will be normal and His will be in bold.

   I, quite honestly, do not want to address this topic in a public forum.  It is not a comfortable one for most and doesn’t even sit well with most that are in a relationship with the husband as the head of the household.  I thought about talking about it, but leaving out the examples and letting you know I would e-mail them to you if you want.  I was concerned of the volume of e-mails and so here we go.

  To answer Ryan’s question above, I need to talk about what I call “the AHA moment”.  You know the commercials right now about when the lightbulb went on for someone?  I am going to talk about the moment when you truly prove yourself to her.  The moment that she gets it, that she “knows beyond knows” that you are strong and when you believe something is right for your family or  your relationship you will under no circumstances back down.

   He is so kind with his words.  He says “my AHA moment” , I say it’s when he broke me.  (and I look back on that day with much gratitude and thankfulness that he carried through with it)   He and I were talking about the questions he is about to answer regarding the small ways he shows his dominance and I said “these don’t really work if he hasn’t broken her yet”.  He does not like this term, but I feel it is very fitting.  We wives who WANT to be submissive, NEED that time when we see and feel that you are really in charge. 

 Until that key moment all of your “alpha displays” might make us giddy and very interested, but we don’t FEEL the power behind them.  At least I didn’t.  And neither did the other women I know in these relationships.  The problem lies in the fact that most if not all couples don’t know the importance of this.  I know we didn’t and the result is frustration of the part of both parties. Here’s what happens:

  She has been desiring a relationship with Him in charge, where she actually FEELS submissive and feminine because of her big strong lover and protector.  But, so far, she just feels like he’s trying and so she will go along with things.  She may like the little power displays and see them as a step in the right direction, but doesn’t feel all subbie from ‘the look’ or from an authoritarian tone.  She feels something is wrong with her because she WANTS this feeling so bad, but it just isn’t there yet.  She may start to wonder if she made a big mistake or, worse yet, he isn’t the man for the job.

 He, on the other hand, wonders why he doesn’t quite get the reactions he thought he would from her.  He’s taken the time to ask her what she desire, wants, requires for this type of relationship.  (right men?  You have discussed everything with her and understand her needs, right?  RIGHT? )  So, you’ve dug down inside yourself and figured out where you store the rugged masculinity and have vowed to let it fly and not hide it as modern men have been brought up.  You think you are doing a great job with your low voice and strong hands and at best you get a giggling shy glance and at worst you get a smirk and a snippy comment in the realm of ‘who died and made you king?’.   Some would want to give up right here.  Don’t.

If she gets to taste your real power and know it is real, all these little things now carry much more weight.  A stern word, a strong request, the ‘look’ now quickly bring back the feelings from the day you made things clear.  They now thrill her, give her a rush, make her actually feel submissive just like she wanted.  The result is a happier (and possibly aroused) wife which always results in a happier husband.

It’s true, men.  Once he broke me (sorry, that is really how I see it) everything changed.  I am so stubborn that I had asked for him to take charge and then when he actually did, I pushed back.  The only place his leadership was really respected was the bedroom until my “AHA moment”.  He would lovingly confront me about my actions and I really had no excuse.  Why was I doing this?  I guess since I needed to TRULY KNOW he was in charge, I pushed him to prove it.  From the talks with others like us, all of us wives do this at some point, but not one of us understands it at the time or even realizes we are doing it.

This is why the post is not for wives.  You’ve asked for advice.  For detailed mentoring in this area.  It’s all well and good to discuss this but without really spelling it out, you might be more confused than when we started.

We have decided to actually share some real life stories about the day this happened for a few couples.  Although we don’t want you to copy them, you may find that one really sounds like your relationship and would be perfect for you.  Because of that, we do not want your wife to read about it and then roll her eyes when it plays out in your relationship.

Here is the story of our friend “Sam”.   He and his wife love each other very much and it is evident to everyone who sees them .  She had been begging him to take control of their marriage and when he made small steps he didn’t feel she responded.  They were both frustrated.

One day Sam had noticed that “Sue” had not slept well for several nights and was looking drawn and unhealthy.  She had been working on a project of hers whenever she could which often meant into the night.  This day Sam couldn’t take seeing her so exhausted.  He told her to just lay on the couch and he would make dinner.  She did and when she barely ate, he told her he wanted her to go to bed.  Right now at 7pm.  She started through her  list of things she still needed to do and he said he would take care of each one for her.  Only her little project was something he couldn’t take care of for her, but it did not have a deadline.  Sam says she just said “oh, whatever”.

Sam told her he was just looking out for her and he wanted her to go to take one of her sleep aids and go to bed.  She sat there, so Sam calmly went and got her pills and a drink, stood over her and said “move it”.  Sue didn’t move.

Sam scooped her up, took her in the bedroom sat her on the bed and went to the dresser to get her pajamas.  When he turned around she wasn’t on the bed anymore.  He found her in the kitchen, scooped her up again and tossed her on the bed.  “You will take your clothes off or I will take them off for you”.  Sam says this got him a look like never before and he thought the discussion was over. Then  Sue said no.

After talking to Sue, I know she doesn’t even know why she wasn’t doing what he asked.  Of course going to bed sounded great, she was EXHAUSTED!  He was trying to help her.  She wanted his loving leadership and she was fighting it.  Now you know why, so don’t be confused if this happens as your relationship transforms itself.

Sam said something clicked right there and he knew tonight would be the night she felt his power.  He walked over and sat on the bed next to her and pulled her down to the floor between his knees.  She was kneeling on the floor facing him with both of her wrists held firmly in his hands (more on this power move in the next post).  Sam used few words and calmly stated what was best for her personal health was to rest right now.  If she wasn’t going to care for herself, he would do it because he loved her.  He pulled her up and laid her on the bed.  As he went to cover her up she kicked off the covers and started to yell at him.

Sam said he was up to the challenge and fought back.  As she wrestled to get free he kept pinning her back in the bed.  He says he can’t believe what a fight she put up, he couldn’t believe this was his wife.  Sams says it was an out and out brawl and she fought like a momma bear.

It lasted more than ten minutes! Where did this come from?  Sam says they’ve never physically fought.  Being carfeul not to hurt her, he pinned her very firmly.  Sam says it took everything in him to keep his words calm.  He had Sue pinned on her stomach and she was still fighting but he just spoke slowly and sternly in her ear.  Sam says that when her thrashing got its strongest she started sobbing.  Sam did not release her, but told her why she would now let him care for her.  It was his job as her husband to care for her, even when it’s not what she wants at the moment. 

 He says after telling her everything she needed to hear he said “It’s OK, I’ve got you, let it all out”.  According to Sue, this was the most cathartic moment in their relationship and she sobbed and sobbed.  Sam got off of her and laid next to her and held her while she cried.  He says Sue had never clung so tightly to him.

When she was done.  Sam got her a wet washcloth for her face and lovingly undressed her and helped her into her PJs.  He brought her the pills and water, tucked her in, prayed over her and turned out the lights.

Sam says the next morning she thanked him over and over again and he noticed that she looked at him differently.  Sue seemed to enjoy just watching him, seeing her man in a new light.  They made love twice that day.

  Men, Sue has no hard feelings at all over this.  She  loves that day because it’s when everything changed.  Those little dominant things  he does carries so much more weight now, she FEELS submissive to the man she chose to lead her family.  Sue is happy and so is Sam.

  I’ll tell the story of the day my sweet friend “Ann” had her AHA moment.  I want to give you a few details of their relationship before anyone gets all up in arms.  As you know, some couples in this type of marriage include spanking and some agree to use it as a form of discipline (DD=domestic discipline) also.  This is not what our blog is about, but I want to establish that Ann and Matt had discussed spanking long before.  Ann had told Matt although she didn’t really like the idea, if Matt ever felt it was the only tool for the job, it was OK.  Matt was sure that would never be the case, but some things change…

  Matt and Ann were very happily chugging along and growing in their marriage when Matt discovered a real problem.  Ann would put herself down in tragic ways.  She would do it in front of other people.  Ann is absolutely beautiful, a wonderful mother, a greatly accomplished and charitable person, yet she could not see any of it.  Matt rarely had to direct her in anything, but would often tell her to stop putting herself down.  He had gotten stern with her, but it didn’t work.

  A week after a very long conversation with Ann about how this not only hurt her, but hurt him too, Matt overheard something horrible.  He grabbed Ann by the arm and walked her to the doorway of their two little girls’ room.  There they listened to two bright little girls compare notes on how dumb, silly and ugly they each are. (No one had EVER said these words to the girls, you can be sure)

  Ann went to walk away and he held her there to hear the rest of the girls’ conversation.  Matt called his mom to see if he could drop the girls off for a little while.  He told Ann to go sit on their bed and wait for his return.

  Matt, said he cried while driving back from his mom’s house.  His amazing wife would not stop the self-bashing no matter how many times he asked.  He decided to not ask any more.  Matt drove an extra long path home while he worked up the nerve to do what he thought needed to be done.

  He walked into their bedroom and asked her to come into the living room.  (he said the bedroom was not the place for this because they sometimes played around with a little light erotic spanking and this was not to be confused with what was going to happen)

   Matt sat Ann on a sofa and sat on an ottoman in front of her.  He told her all the amazing things about herself that she won’t admit.  Matt asked if she wanted those beautiful girls to grow up saying those awful things about themselves.  Ann said of course she didn’t.  “I’ve tried to help you see how wonderful you are and I’ve asked you not to speak so badly of yourself.  It hasn’t worked” said Matt.

  Matt said “I love you” and she said I love you too.  Matt asked her to stand and then he calmly laid her down over his lap.  He pulled her skirt up and began to spank Ann with his hand.  Matt says he knows it is right to use your voice for control and not to leave your wife alone in silence during a spanking like this, but he could not think of things to say.  He says the only things he kept repeating was “I love you” and “keep still now” every few minutes.

  He said he was tormented as she started crying and then wailing.  He said he needed to wait until he broke her to accomplish what he had set out for.  Matt says that once she was sobbing that she would “never do it again”, just to “please let her up”  then he started with the questions. 

 He never stopped spanking while sternly asking questions in a low voice.  “are you beautiful?” “what kind of mother are you?”  “who is an amazingly strong woman?” “are you sexy, what’s sexy about you?”  He said he must have had a hundred questions for her and he didn’t stop until she was screaming that she was wonderful, smart, beautiful, fun, sexy, desirable and many other things.

 He let her go and she sank to the floor.  Matt stepped to the couch, picked her up and held her in his arms for over an hour.  Ann cried as long as she needed to because Matt told her to.  Matt said he just whispered in her ear every so often, things like “you are the best mother I could ask for our kids”  “you are the sexiest woman I know” and so on.

  Ann says that when she finally calmed down she could not get close enough to Matt.  They were both exhausted and went to take a nap in bed.  When they awoke, they made love and talked a long time afterward.  Ann told Matt things would be different now.  She says it’s just crazy that a spanking helped her with her self esteem, but it most certainly did.  Only because a man who didn’t want to hurt her in any way, did what he thought best for her and their marriage.

I am about to go out on a limb and tell you about the night I broke my dear sweet loving wife. I fear if you were at all offended by the last two recounts, then mine will cause you to hate me.  I never set out to break her that night, we didn’t even know what that meant.

I would once again, like to explain a few things before the story of my “AHA” (I’m so proud he actually just typed that he broke me, up until know he would not say it)If you are new to this blog, you need to know that I started the move to the dynamics our marriage now encompassed.  I wanted him to lead the family, run the household and dominate me in the bedroom.  I had realized my sexual nature was best brought out when control is stripped from me.  Call that what you will, but there are much darker kinks than wanting your husband to be the man. 

  So, in our discussions about what I needed sexually, he had to draw some lines because he had  boundaries he was not comfortable crossing.  He said he would not harm me and he would never actually force me.  He would play forcefully with his strength, but he would not force himself on me.  I was sad. I tried to explain that I wanted to give him blanket consent and that as weird as it may sound to him, I am aroused by the very notion of being ‘used’ by him.  Well, we had long talks about what that would and would not include because of his deep respect for women.

OK.  All that out of the way.  Here we go.  We had been trying out my new dominant male role and it seemed to delight her, but she was still not really feeling it and could not express what was missing to me.  She could not because she did not know.  I can’t argue with that.

  She is a uniquely strong woman and this has been a bumpy road with both of us frustrated.  Well, we had a fight that I let get out of hand (I say “I let get out of hand” because it should have been my job to not let it escalate as it did).  Anyway, she ended up storming out.  She got in her car and left.  She was gone a long while and did not take her cell phone as I have stated she should always have it with her.

  We established early in our relationship that things that create distance are unacceptable.  We are to cleave to each other as the Bible says. A cooling off period is one thing and often good so that harsh words are not said, but stonewalling and throwing the cold shoulder is another thing altogether.

  I heard her car in the garage and walked over to the door.  I figured she was cooled off now and went to wrap her in my arms.  She pushed right by me and went to our room.  She came out to feed the kids and did not look at me.  She was very cold.

  Everything He is saying is correct. I was doing what wives do in relationships that are not as close and intimate as ours and I was doing it very disrespectfully.   Why?  I couldn’t  tell you at the time.  I had asked Him to lead and I was being a b*tch when He tried that night.

  I pulled her aside and told her we needed to talk and she just looked at me and walked away.  She pushed me away for hours and I was mad.  Just like Matt, I called my sister and asked her to take the kids for an overnight.  I packed them up and ran them over there while she took a bath. 

  I sat in the living room while I calmed myself.  I knew what I was about to do would take all the will I could muster. I walked into the bathroom and told her to get up and dry off.  She pretended I wasn’t there.  She stared at the ceiling while I chose my words carefully.

 “You will not put distance between us.  It is wrong.  I have tried to talk to you and I’ve tried to hold you and you only create more distance.  I feel closest to you during sex.  Stand up.”

  She did stand up, but she had a ‘you wouldn’t dare” look on her face.  I grabbed a towel and she put her hand out as if I was going to hand it to her, but I draped it around her and scooped her up.  I was going to lay her on the bed, but she started twisting around and I ended up dropping her on the bed.

  She began scrambling to get up and I was trying to hold her down.  She is much smaller than me, but I still had a heck of a time because I was trying not to hurt her.  I think if spanking were an option for us (it’s not because of her back surgeries) I would have put her over my knee for a moment just to get her attention.

 It was happening really quickly and I was reacting faster than I could assess the situation.  My fight or flight kicked in before my brain could think and I fought him.  He is so wise.  I was pushing him away for dealing with an argument the way I had asked him to.  He took control of it so it wouldn’t escalate and leave it to me to still take it up a few notches.  I don’t know how he stayed so calm, the very picture of confident self control.  We had agreed to never push each other away like this and he was right to use anything in his toolbelt to bring us back together.  I hadn’t responded to talking or touching and so what did he have left?

  We wrestled like the couple in our first story.  I had made up my mind and was not going to back down.  I’ve learned you can’t pin even a tiny lady on her back and so I flipped her onto her belly.  She kept trying to pitch me off.  I had kept careful control of my words up to this point.  I grabbed a handful of hair and raised her head up to speak to her.  She stopped fighting me.  I nearly growled in her ear. ” Turn over and make love to me, or keep fighting and get F***ed.”

  Please hear me when I tell you that the F-word is not offensive within our sexual relationship.  We admit that people in love sometimes make love and sometimes just need some crazy sexual release.  So don’t think he was throwing around some insult, it’s a word we use in the privacy of our bedroom and it has no negative connotations there.  Also, under normal circumstances, I really like it when he takes a handful of my hair and he did not hurt me at all.

   Normally, a woman who has made herself always sexually available to her husband would be glad to end an uncomfortable argument by flipping over to be made love to.  Everyone needs those close, warm feelings after a fight.  But what did I do?  Pushed him.  I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was pushing him to prove he would never back down.  I think all hell would have broken loose in our marriage if he backed down.

I didn’t back downI barely got the sentence out and she started fighting more than ever.  I tried to have a strong stern statement for anything she threw at me but I know I said “you will not put distance between us” several times and also “stop fighting me”. 

  I had her pinned pretty well and told her to open her legs for me.  Usually this directive stated like a command  really does it for her because of the submission involved.  I decided to use it now.  She fought.  I repeated myself.  She tried to buck really hard and then started crying.  I loosened my grip thinking is was over and she tried to throw me off of her again. 

 I pinned her again but ended up with a grip on her neck when my hands stopped pulling her down.  She loves my hand on her neck under normal circumstances because it is so large and she says she feels a primal submission when I have her thin pulsing neck in my hand. ( FYI, NOT choking her, it’s just where my grip on her ended up after another go round.  I never choke her, ever)

  She was still pressing against my weight as if she was fighting but she opened her legs.  I slid into her  and whispered ” that’s my girl” and she went limp and started sobbing.  I felt horrible and pulled out and she screamed “NO!” and grabbed at me.  I didn’t quite understand it at the time, but she needed to sob and she wanted me inside her while she did it.  I slid back in and she sobbed and sobbed.  I just whispered “I’m right here, I’d never let you push me away” and ” i love you”  a lot.

  I was fighting for no reason at all and thought I was going to win.  He did not back down.  I was going to fight the whole night if I had to and then his hand was on my neck.  This touch I always savor so much flooded me with true submission, the actual desire to submit at that moment.  I did and it made me cry for this fight and every other time I fought for the control I didn’t want anyway.

  He says he now wishes He hadn’t penetrated me when i finally submitted.  I am glad He did.   One reason is  because He had said He would in order to bring us together and it would have meant He backed down in some way even though He won.  The other reason was that I needed Him that close while I cried.  I don’t cry very often and it’s good He was there part of me.  I would have felt alone in my tears only pinned under Him. 

He says He doesn’t remember it, but He said “Don’t worry, I’ll always do what’s needed”.  He says that doesn’t even make sense to Him, but it meant the world to me and I was able to then turn over and offer myself fully to Him.  We made soft gentle love for a short time and then slept quite a while.

I awoke a new woman and all the amazing little alpha things he did for me now carried so much masculinity with them that I found myself constantly aroused.  A strong grip on my wrist, a hand rested on my neck or the whisper of “that’s my girl” in my ear literally makes me weak in the knees.  Occasionally he sends me a text asking me to do something for him and once I respond I will, the answer is ‘that’s my girl’ and I get so girlie inside I am floating.

SO, what do these encounters have in common? Well, first of all, they were all with couples who were actively pursuing a strong marriage with a dominate husband as the head.  They all were having trouble making it click even though everything seemed OK.  All the wives cried and each thanked their husband profusely for NOT BACKING DOWN.  Each of these wives agrees that things would have taken a horrible turn if the husbands had backed down and left them alone during the struggle.  Each couple has been very happy since.

Men, do not back down, she has been looking for proof that you are the man who deserves her respect and submission.  For these women it only took one night to prove it.

I want to put out there that not all women need this only once.  We know of a few couples that find it is needed anywhere from every few months to every few years.  The wives say they start to get this antsy feeling like their submission is losing  something.  Their husbands have said they can tell when another “AHA” moment is needed and the wives are always amazingly grateful.

If your wife is just feeling very emotional and doesn’t seem to have a reason, she just may need a chance to cry it out in your arms.  Being a strong woman, I can’t seem to find a way to just let it out.  My darling Husband has been able to see these times better than I.  He holds me very tight and does not let me go and tells me to “let it all out” and He will hold me for as long as needed.  I would guess that is only about once a year, but I always feel so much lighter.  It is often just a build up of kids and schedules and not a reflection of our relationship.

  OK men.  There you have it.  If you’ve been trying this kind of relationship and there is something missing that neither of you can explain, this may be your answer.

God bless you.

 

 

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