Answers from a dominant husband part 2 Thursday, Feb 26 2009 

He’s back with more answers!!!

So we’ve covered a few of the every day elements for helping out your wife with those submissive feelings she desires and now we’ll move into the hotter stuff. 

(first I’d like to say thanks to the readers who pointed out a biggie I had overlooked.  That would be the husband’s grooming and hygiene.  No woman feels submissive to a man who is dressed like a slob with BBQ sauce on his shirt, nose hair growing wild, socks intolerably pungent and teeth so dirty they are fuzzy.  Doesn’t happen.  Act like a man if you want her to treat you like one)

OK, so here we go with the more controlling stuff.  I will move right into the sexy stuff and see how long this post gets.

This advice is for men who have a wife like mine.  This means you should only consider adding any of this to your marriage if your wife is happiest when used for your pleasure.  I had real trouble with that and my tiny little darling had to sit me down and say “when I say used, I mean USED”.  She has expressed that she wanted to give me blanket consent that would allow me to use her body in any way that pleased me.  Unlike many women out there, she feels great (and loved, cared for etc.) knowing that I will use her to meet any need or desire I may have.  She is truly so happy when I’ve done this. 

 Because of how she feels, I’ve come up with an arsenal of tactics I use to keep her feeling wanted, needed, pursued and sexy.  I also get a thing or two out of it myself. ***wink***

One thing to think about is that using her for your pleasure does not have to always mean intercourse.  Do you desire her with your eyes?  Do you like to just see her get off?  Do you just need quick release sometimes?  All of these can be utilized for a hotter marriage!

These are some things that I do on a regular basis that take charge of the show without a full blown lovemaking session.   Skirt days (see part 1 of this post)  make many of these much more convenient. Also, My wife has expressed that women feel very dominated when “used” sexually by a man who is fully dressed and stays that way.  She says he just seems to have an overpowering sense of self control if he  sits back and keeps his cool.  SO here’s a few ideas.

  1. Dominate with your gaze.  Men are visual, right? Let her know you’ve been thinking about her {insert favorite  body part here} all day long and you want to see it.   Tell her to lay over a coffee table, kitchen counter, anything for you so you can admire.  Once there was a day I was feeling especially ‘dommish’ and after telling her to climb up on the bar and open up for me, I told her to lay back because she wasn’t up there so I could look at her face.  (I think she’s beautiful and she knows it.  She’s asked for me to be pushy and controlling, so that’s what she gets.)  Take the time to admire her.  Tell her what you see.  Use your voice to maintain control.  You can also tell her to touch herself in very specific ways if you like.
  2. Use her body as a plaything.  I’ve laid her out on the sofa or ottoman next to me and touched and played as if I was just curious as to what reaction each action would get.  Fingers, toys, whatever.  She’s happy to have my attention and feels good.  Sometimes she gets an orgasm and sometimes I just stop and help her up and leave her revved up until later.  She likes this.  A lot.
  3. There are times when I’m super busy with a lot to do on the computer or important reading to catch up on.  If the kids are in bed, sometimes I can see she is itching for attention but is being respectful of my work.  On occasion I have pulled her over my lap (spanking position) and placed my  book or computer on her back.  With her skirt lifted, I play with her, usually fingers or by inserting a toy, and continue my work while having fun shushing her so I can concentrate.  She gets a little attention, we both get physical closeness and I get my work done.  This has gone on for hours.  I guess it’s just a spin on number 2.
  4. I have her touch herself.  I may be right there with her or I may be on the phone (sometimes, although rarely, by e-mail or text).  I control her by telling her what to do and if she should orgasm or not.  I’ve taken this pretty far with her bent over a barstool and telling her to  thrust with her fingers for me and sometimes it’s just a little touch under her skirt when nobody is looking.
  5. I use her for my release.  Sometimes a day is so frustrating that you just could use an orgasm for relaxation so you can calm down and enjoy your evening.  My wife is so amazing that she really loves that she can help me in this way with no muss and no fuss.  She also knows that it usually means LOTS of extra attention later that night when I am feeling better.  It mostly plays out one of two ways.  A  blowjob with her on her knees in front of my open fly or her bent over the bed or an armrest for the quickest quickie I can pull off.  Her needs are not addressed at that time and so this is when she feels the most dominated.  She says that she feels grateful that I can express that need to her (even if it is with few words and very strong hands) and I can use her body to feel better and relax.  She says the alternative is the husband who hides for several hours in order to recoup after a rough day.  Which is better, isolation or physical contact?

These few examples can be altered to any  number of situations, but those are the basics.  I do realize the last one does contain intercourse, but a super quickie is not the same as a long bedroom session and so it is listed here.

A few notes on these.  Control with your words is the most important.  Most submissive women are not thrilled if bent over the couch for twenty minutes but only feel you.  They feel alone without seeing or hearing you.  Use your voice man!  In any sexual encounter with your submissive wife, you need to maintain the dominance with your voice.  You don’t need many words, but a deep voice and some well chosen words keep a submissive’s head reeling.

Don’t know what to say?  The truth is it doesn’t matter much.  Directives are good but you don’t want to sound like a drill sargent.  Any statement that shows you are in charge.  My old stand by “that’s my girl” works wonders, “hmmm, my naughty girl” is good. Maybe even a little on the cocky side “yeah, you knew you’d like it”.

  Instructions that make her think in order to “obey” are often liked:  Do not  make  a sound, keep your hands clasped behind your back, the only word I want to hear from your mouth is yes (or no, or more, or my name, or please or whatever you would like to hear at the time), look me in the eye and don’t look away, or don’t look at me. If you use these, you can have fun enforcing them. 

Statements of what you are going to do.  “You are so hot. I’m going to lick you until you scream.  Trust me, you WILL scream for me tonight”  The submissive feelings she feels when you are bossy in the bedroom are very arousing for her.

Need more instruction on your words?  You can react to anything she says with a statement of control too.  She yells, ‘yes, do it like that’ you say “I didn’t ask your permission”.  She says ‘I can’t take anymore’ you growl in her ear “oh, you can baby, and you will.  You will'”.(as long as you are sure she’s not  needing you to stop for a real reason)    Generic things to say when you can’t think of anything are “that’s right angel”, “ugh that { favorite body part}! Whose { } is this? That’s right it’s mine.  Your { } belongs to me”, “just wait until I’m through with you”, “next time you’re going to beg for this”.

I feel more than a little funny about putting words in your mouth, but my dear wife has received several letters from women who are seriously upset about the silence during sexual encounters.  He talks  a decent game until it’s actually play time and then she gets nothing.  It’s very hard to feel dominated in silence so MAN UP and USE YOUR VOICE.  As it becomes more natural and also as your wife’s submission makes you feel more in control, it will come easier.

The less control she has in a situation, the more you need to give her your voice.  Don’t withhold it.

Also, restraining a hand or hands takes away some control, but don’t do it passively. They hate that because then they feel as if they have to pretend they can’t move.  If you want both of her hands behind her back, HOLD them there.  Remember, STRONG hands gentlemen.

Soon, I’ll answer your questions about the heavier sex stuff but for right now, go practice!

 

God bless you.

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submissive wives are criminals? Tuesday, Feb 24 2009 

I’ve received some interesting e-mails over the last few days. (if you are just checking in to see if He has finished up his questions, please know He is working on them when He can and will post in a day or two).

I think it is funny that there are people out there who want to shame me for calling my marriage a Christian one.  I love my husband very much, have sex with only him, follow his lead as the Bible asks of a good wife, use God given talents for the good of others, read my Bible and raise my children in the word.

God gave me a healthy sexual appetite and I love pleasing my husband.  Because I’ve stated here that I enjoy being used for his pleasure in any way He can think of, I am getting hate mail.  Does this make sense to you?

We do not use pornography because we think that this is bringing another person into our bedroom.  We do not want to do anything that would make us lust for another.  We enjoy each other, communicate well and our happiness rubs off on others.  Our children see a mom and dad who admire each other and kiss and hug a lot.  This is security to them.

My parenting has been attacked and one reader has said he is working to find out who I am to report me and have my children taken away.  Would he be doing that if I said I was having sex in the missionary position behind a closed door after my kids went to bed?  No, I don’t believe so.  But since I have put out there that we have a lot of steamy, passionate sex with my Husband in charge behind the same door with the same kids sleeping upstairs, I am somehow a pervert and should not be able to raise kids.  I do not understand.  Porn stars are allowed to keep their children, but a loving wife and very doting mother should not if she like to be dominated by her husband who adores her.

Someone else wants to call my church to make sure I no longer help women through marital problems.  I’ve said before I do not include information about my way of life or  lead them in that direction, but that is no matter to the reader.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.

God bless you,

God’s gift to Him

Answers from a dominant husband part 1 Thursday, Feb 19 2009 

I titled this post trying to be funny.  Yes, I’m the head of a household and yes, my wife is submissive but the title of dominant husband is amusing to me.

I’m here to answer questions that you have sent to my sweet little wife.  This is her blog, but she didn’t want to answer everything in third person. 

I would like to start off by saying that I am no expert.  I don’t pretend to be.  All I have to offer is experience from one single relationship with one really strong opinionated women.  This woman desired to have a marriage based on the Bible in which I lead while we both love and respect each other.  She also desired to give up control in all things sexual and asks that I “be the man”.  She likes it when I do things that give her submissive feelings and I have come to relish the feelings of control that result.

We’ve found a comfortable, sexy, happy way to do this that works FOR US.  I think our marriage is blissful and steamy and fun.  I DO NOT think that it is for everyone.  Because it works for us, many of you who desire a similar situation have asked some specific advice and this is why I’m answering.

PART ONE:

I am going to break up the questions into a couple of posts so the post is not horribly long (like the last one).

This first post will be about the little things that you can do to express your control in everyday situations (I will cover bedroom business at a later date).  These things may work on their own and also may need a little push after a time in order to help bring out those submissive feelings she desires. (if she doesn’t desire them, you are in the wrong place right now)  To learn more about that little push,  I would ask that THE MEN ONLY click and read the last post before reading more here.

The main question we’ve been getting is “What EXACTLY are these “alpha male” displays she talks about?”.  Some of them seem so trivial, but I’m still going to list off the ones that come to mind. (no certain order)  These are not very exciting.  They are small things you can do. 

  1. Use terms of endearment that express femininity and smallness.  Call her little one, baby, sweet girl, dolly, girl (my girl), angel, small one, etc.  If she currently calls you baby or something of that nature, ask her to stop and tell her you feel it’s emasculating for a man.  ( I try to make up situations where she can choose to submit (or not) to something small and then use one of these)  Ex.  Baby, wear that red dress I really like, not the one you have laid out.  When she come out in the one I chose I give her a knowing look and say “that’s a sweet girl”. She says it makes her feel very girly.
  2. Use a low voice.  Work on always keeping your voice deep.  After a few weeks of concentrating on it, it will be  a habit to use your deepest speaking voice.
  3. Keep your cool.  Alpha males are the least excitable.  You know the hero in a western who turns very slowly (if at all)to the insult of a bad guy while the rest of the room spins around and gasps.  Think like that.  Funny I know, but it’s a mental picture.
  4. I use power moves.  Sitting her on the floor between your legs so that she is kneeling and facing you is a big power move. I hold both of her arms or hands.  Her back against a wall while I stand arms length away with a hand on the wall near each of her shoulders is another.  I use them mostly when I need to have her really listen to me.  A finger under her chin to encourage eye contact doesn’t hurt either.
  5. Don’t repeat yourself.
  6. Show you want her in little ways like holding her in a hug or kiss  longer.  When she starts to release you, keep her there a little longer.  It’s over when you say it’s over.  (you don’t say it, you do it)
  7. Grab her with strong hands.  We are a very touchy couple and before I would rest a hand on her arm or shoulder.  Now I grip it; her wrist, knee, back of neck, etc.  I don’t hurt her, It’s just that I don’t passivly lay my hands on her anymore.  Even in church or a restaurant, if I’m touching her, I’m holding her. (she loves that)  If my arm is around her at a meeting, by hand has a hold of her upper arm, it’s not just sitting there on the back of her chair. She adores my hand on the back of her neck. Many women do. Try it next time you wait in line for something.
  8. Although I am not bossy (outside of our sexlife) I have changed the way I make statements.  “I think I like the red one best” should be “I choose the red one”.  Practice this.  People don’t notice the actual words, but notice you make strong statement and know what you want.
  9. I use my size.  I am a large man and I lift weights.  Even though it’s playful, I often walk forward when she goes to hug me which pushes her back against whatever is behind her and then I kind of pin her there for the hug or kiss she was going for.  I hug her very tightly.  When cuddling on the couch I will shift her position using the strength in my arms instead of asking her to move.  If you are not larger than her, you can still use some of these.
  10. When she hugs me I often speak right in her ear in a deep voice.  “you are so sexy” or “just wait til the kids go to bed” has a great affect when growled close enough to feel your breath on her neck.
  11. If we discuss “rules” (I don’t like that word), I don’t ask her, I tell her.  Ex.   We’ve established that when she is out, especially with the kids, she needs to keep her cell phone on her.  I don’t ask her to take it with her tomorrow to the park.  I say “remember your phone”.
  12. Use good posture.  Shoulders back and down while sitting and standing.  Head up over your spine not forward.  Do not fidget.

These all sound very ordinary, huh?  They are.  This is the vanilla part of our life I am talking about.  Most of the other stuff that doesn’t happen specifically in the bedroom, would fall under foreplay: (keep in mind that she has stated her desire to be always sexually available for me in any way I desire)

  1. I put my hands all over her and am not shy about it.  EVER.  Don’t touch her tentatively to test the water any longer, just put your hands where you want them. She may be cooking and if I want to stroke her breasts, bite her neck, slip hands under her skirt, I do it.  I will not be batted away or stop until I want.  (she’s asked for this type of attention.  she may playfully try to swat me away if she is working on something, but she knows that will just get her hand restrained while I touch more)  Afterwards I often kind of push her away or swat her with a grin as if to say “OK, I’m done with you now.”Don’t worry the kids never see any of this.
  2. I might stand in the kitchen and say “goodbye, have fun” to her as she leaves me with the kids to go out with a girlfriend, but I may walk into the garage as she pulls out and have her roll down the window.  In the past I have reached through the window, grabbed a handful of her hair and pulled her ear close to my mouth.  I say something along the line of “eat fast because if you are not back here naked and on your knees by 9pm, there will be hell to pay”.  She loves that.  Really.  Ask her.  No, I’m not  being a beast of a husband, I would not demand her home by a certain time unless there was a really good reason.  She knows that there isn’t a punishment waiting for her is she doesn’t make it back in time.  She does know that I’ve got plans for her though which makes her think about me the whole time and makes her want to get back home.
  3. I don’t back down.
  4. I’ll text from work and declare it a “skirt day”.  That means she is to wear a skirt or dress with no panties.  She is to keep her body  ‘ready for anything’.  That means very clean, groomed, shaved and anything else you’ve agreed on as ready for any kind of play.  My wife even washes again up every time she has to use the restroom in order to truly be ready for anything I may want to do with her.  When I get home I do any number of things to her anytime we find ourselves  alone even if only for a minute.  I will address this more in the next post on sex.  She is often in a skirt or dress when I get home even though I did not request it. I have also laid a favorite on the bed before I left for work. (when I see it on her in the afternoon, she, of course, gets a “that’s my girl”)
  5. I talk dirty to her.  That’s right a Christian man, a leader in the church, a successful professional uses any and all words to thrill his wife.  She has posted on it here and talks about what is right or wrong.  Bottom line is if you feel convicted about it, don’t do it.  I talk dirty to her.  I growl in her ear things I will do to her (NOT WANT to do, but WILL do, remember your statements men)  I use strong language and don’t feel it is dirty because God gave us a crazy sexy marriage.  You would never hear me say “that is F***ed up” when talking to someone about current events.  That is a curse. I will whisper to my wife all the ways she is going to get f***ed tonight while we pack lunches.
  6. I’m bossy when my action is a gift to her.  Ex.  “Go have a long soak in the tub while I dress the kids for bed, GO!” “Head outside and read your book  while the sun is shining”.  I don’t ask her if she would like a break. I announce she is getting one.  This is not the same as “go make me a sandwhich while I turn on the game, GO!”.  If you can’t see the difference, you need more help than this blog can give.  ***smirk***
  7. I act like every little thing she does is hot.  (My wife is so sexy, that it’s true. ) If you do this for two weeks straight, every thing she does will be hot.  Seriously.  If she feels like she can turn you on by walking by, she will do it with a flourish (or possible a flash) next time.  Think about it as conditioning.  If you grab a handful of backside and smack it along with a sexy comment each time you pass in the hall, she’s going to feel flirty and sexy every time you pass in the hall.  This leads to sexual thoughts, which leads to arousal which leads to S. E. X.
  8. A dominant husband lets his wife know when he is pleased.  Even if you don’t think your wife cares if you are pleased or not.  Let her know you are.  Often.  It may seem like you are talking down to her, but statements of your pleasure in her are very welcome.  Ex  “you remembered my shirts, what an angel”  My wife calls these “happy master” comments.  She appreciates them because she says they make her feel submissive and feminine, but also appreciated.

Well, there are the every day things you asked for.  Too vanilla?  Sorry.  Soon I’ll cover the times when you have to take the reigns ( A.K.A. arguments) and  sex.  I know many of you want specific pointers about taking control during sex, or taking it away from her.

God Bless!

Just for men… Sunday, Feb 15 2009 

My husband has been going over the questions you have sent him and is giving them much thought.  Your comments and e-mails have been very thought provoking and have sparked some great discussions between the two of us.

My dear husband does not think he can answer them in one post without it getting tediously long, so He will be writing a few post over a couple of day.  Here’s your last chance to get your questions to Him.

In our private discussions over the last few days, we came back several times to a touchy subject which may be wildly unpopular if this blog is read by those who are not inclined to our lifestyle.

  This topic springs from a recent question from a reader named Ryan.  He asks

Your wife states that she needed to “know beyond know that when push comes to shove, my man did not back down, Would not back down, not for anyone, not even his wife”. How do you make sure that you have made her fully aware of this? How do you KNOW she feels it?

  My dear Husband and I now ask that all the wives STOP READING.  Please ladies, we are not fooling around here.  If your true desire is to follow your husband in a relationship like ours,  DO NOT READ ANYMORE OF THIS POST.  Please take this as a directive and husbands, we encourage you to request of your wife to never return to this post.   As requested we are going to lay out some things in detail and those very details could have the affect of the control you want from your husband not being as powerful as you would like.  The greater your draw to this type of relationship, the stronger I urge you to let the following information be just for your husband’s eyes.

 

 

   So, just the men now then?

 

  For the rest of the post my writing will be normal and His will be in bold.

   I, quite honestly, do not want to address this topic in a public forum.  It is not a comfortable one for most and doesn’t even sit well with most that are in a relationship with the husband as the head of the household.  I thought about talking about it, but leaving out the examples and letting you know I would e-mail them to you if you want.  I was concerned of the volume of e-mails and so here we go.

  To answer Ryan’s question above, I need to talk about what I call “the AHA moment”.  You know the commercials right now about when the lightbulb went on for someone?  I am going to talk about the moment when you truly prove yourself to her.  The moment that she gets it, that she “knows beyond knows” that you are strong and when you believe something is right for your family or  your relationship you will under no circumstances back down.

   He is so kind with his words.  He says “my AHA moment” , I say it’s when he broke me.  (and I look back on that day with much gratitude and thankfulness that he carried through with it)   He and I were talking about the questions he is about to answer regarding the small ways he shows his dominance and I said “these don’t really work if he hasn’t broken her yet”.  He does not like this term, but I feel it is very fitting.  We wives who WANT to be submissive, NEED that time when we see and feel that you are really in charge. 

 Until that key moment all of your “alpha displays” might make us giddy and very interested, but we don’t FEEL the power behind them.  At least I didn’t.  And neither did the other women I know in these relationships.  The problem lies in the fact that most if not all couples don’t know the importance of this.  I know we didn’t and the result is frustration of the part of both parties. Here’s what happens:

  She has been desiring a relationship with Him in charge, where she actually FEELS submissive and feminine because of her big strong lover and protector.  But, so far, she just feels like he’s trying and so she will go along with things.  She may like the little power displays and see them as a step in the right direction, but doesn’t feel all subbie from ‘the look’ or from an authoritarian tone.  She feels something is wrong with her because she WANTS this feeling so bad, but it just isn’t there yet.  She may start to wonder if she made a big mistake or, worse yet, he isn’t the man for the job.

 He, on the other hand, wonders why he doesn’t quite get the reactions he thought he would from her.  He’s taken the time to ask her what she desire, wants, requires for this type of relationship.  (right men?  You have discussed everything with her and understand her needs, right?  RIGHT? )  So, you’ve dug down inside yourself and figured out where you store the rugged masculinity and have vowed to let it fly and not hide it as modern men have been brought up.  You think you are doing a great job with your low voice and strong hands and at best you get a giggling shy glance and at worst you get a smirk and a snippy comment in the realm of ‘who died and made you king?’.   Some would want to give up right here.  Don’t.

If she gets to taste your real power and know it is real, all these little things now carry much more weight.  A stern word, a strong request, the ‘look’ now quickly bring back the feelings from the day you made things clear.  They now thrill her, give her a rush, make her actually feel submissive just like she wanted.  The result is a happier (and possibly aroused) wife which always results in a happier husband.

It’s true, men.  Once he broke me (sorry, that is really how I see it) everything changed.  I am so stubborn that I had asked for him to take charge and then when he actually did, I pushed back.  The only place his leadership was really respected was the bedroom until my “AHA moment”.  He would lovingly confront me about my actions and I really had no excuse.  Why was I doing this?  I guess since I needed to TRULY KNOW he was in charge, I pushed him to prove it.  From the talks with others like us, all of us wives do this at some point, but not one of us understands it at the time or even realizes we are doing it.

This is why the post is not for wives.  You’ve asked for advice.  For detailed mentoring in this area.  It’s all well and good to discuss this but without really spelling it out, you might be more confused than when we started.

We have decided to actually share some real life stories about the day this happened for a few couples.  Although we don’t want you to copy them, you may find that one really sounds like your relationship and would be perfect for you.  Because of that, we do not want your wife to read about it and then roll her eyes when it plays out in your relationship.

Here is the story of our friend “Sam”.   He and his wife love each other very much and it is evident to everyone who sees them .  She had been begging him to take control of their marriage and when he made small steps he didn’t feel she responded.  They were both frustrated.

One day Sam had noticed that “Sue” had not slept well for several nights and was looking drawn and unhealthy.  She had been working on a project of hers whenever she could which often meant into the night.  This day Sam couldn’t take seeing her so exhausted.  He told her to just lay on the couch and he would make dinner.  She did and when she barely ate, he told her he wanted her to go to bed.  Right now at 7pm.  She started through her  list of things she still needed to do and he said he would take care of each one for her.  Only her little project was something he couldn’t take care of for her, but it did not have a deadline.  Sam says she just said “oh, whatever”.

Sam told her he was just looking out for her and he wanted her to go to take one of her sleep aids and go to bed.  She sat there, so Sam calmly went and got her pills and a drink, stood over her and said “move it”.  Sue didn’t move.

Sam scooped her up, took her in the bedroom sat her on the bed and went to the dresser to get her pajamas.  When he turned around she wasn’t on the bed anymore.  He found her in the kitchen, scooped her up again and tossed her on the bed.  “You will take your clothes off or I will take them off for you”.  Sam says this got him a look like never before and he thought the discussion was over. Then  Sue said no.

After talking to Sue, I know she doesn’t even know why she wasn’t doing what he asked.  Of course going to bed sounded great, she was EXHAUSTED!  He was trying to help her.  She wanted his loving leadership and she was fighting it.  Now you know why, so don’t be confused if this happens as your relationship transforms itself.

Sam said something clicked right there and he knew tonight would be the night she felt his power.  He walked over and sat on the bed next to her and pulled her down to the floor between his knees.  She was kneeling on the floor facing him with both of her wrists held firmly in his hands (more on this power move in the next post).  Sam used few words and calmly stated what was best for her personal health was to rest right now.  If she wasn’t going to care for herself, he would do it because he loved her.  He pulled her up and laid her on the bed.  As he went to cover her up she kicked off the covers and started to yell at him.

Sam said he was up to the challenge and fought back.  As she wrestled to get free he kept pinning her back in the bed.  He says he can’t believe what a fight she put up, he couldn’t believe this was his wife.  Sams says it was an out and out brawl and she fought like a momma bear.

It lasted more than ten minutes! Where did this come from?  Sam says they’ve never physically fought.  Being carfeul not to hurt her, he pinned her very firmly.  Sam says it took everything in him to keep his words calm.  He had Sue pinned on her stomach and she was still fighting but he just spoke slowly and sternly in her ear.  Sam says that when her thrashing got its strongest she started sobbing.  Sam did not release her, but told her why she would now let him care for her.  It was his job as her husband to care for her, even when it’s not what she wants at the moment. 

 He says after telling her everything she needed to hear he said “It’s OK, I’ve got you, let it all out”.  According to Sue, this was the most cathartic moment in their relationship and she sobbed and sobbed.  Sam got off of her and laid next to her and held her while she cried.  He says Sue had never clung so tightly to him.

When she was done.  Sam got her a wet washcloth for her face and lovingly undressed her and helped her into her PJs.  He brought her the pills and water, tucked her in, prayed over her and turned out the lights.

Sam says the next morning she thanked him over and over again and he noticed that she looked at him differently.  Sue seemed to enjoy just watching him, seeing her man in a new light.  They made love twice that day.

  Men, Sue has no hard feelings at all over this.  She  loves that day because it’s when everything changed.  Those little dominant things  he does carries so much more weight now, she FEELS submissive to the man she chose to lead her family.  Sue is happy and so is Sam.

  I’ll tell the story of the day my sweet friend “Ann” had her AHA moment.  I want to give you a few details of their relationship before anyone gets all up in arms.  As you know, some couples in this type of marriage include spanking and some agree to use it as a form of discipline (DD=domestic discipline) also.  This is not what our blog is about, but I want to establish that Ann and Matt had discussed spanking long before.  Ann had told Matt although she didn’t really like the idea, if Matt ever felt it was the only tool for the job, it was OK.  Matt was sure that would never be the case, but some things change…

  Matt and Ann were very happily chugging along and growing in their marriage when Matt discovered a real problem.  Ann would put herself down in tragic ways.  She would do it in front of other people.  Ann is absolutely beautiful, a wonderful mother, a greatly accomplished and charitable person, yet she could not see any of it.  Matt rarely had to direct her in anything, but would often tell her to stop putting herself down.  He had gotten stern with her, but it didn’t work.

  A week after a very long conversation with Ann about how this not only hurt her, but hurt him too, Matt overheard something horrible.  He grabbed Ann by the arm and walked her to the doorway of their two little girls’ room.  There they listened to two bright little girls compare notes on how dumb, silly and ugly they each are. (No one had EVER said these words to the girls, you can be sure)

  Ann went to walk away and he held her there to hear the rest of the girls’ conversation.  Matt called his mom to see if he could drop the girls off for a little while.  He told Ann to go sit on their bed and wait for his return.

  Matt, said he cried while driving back from his mom’s house.  His amazing wife would not stop the self-bashing no matter how many times he asked.  He decided to not ask any more.  Matt drove an extra long path home while he worked up the nerve to do what he thought needed to be done.

  He walked into their bedroom and asked her to come into the living room.  (he said the bedroom was not the place for this because they sometimes played around with a little light erotic spanking and this was not to be confused with what was going to happen)

   Matt sat Ann on a sofa and sat on an ottoman in front of her.  He told her all the amazing things about herself that she won’t admit.  Matt asked if she wanted those beautiful girls to grow up saying those awful things about themselves.  Ann said of course she didn’t.  “I’ve tried to help you see how wonderful you are and I’ve asked you not to speak so badly of yourself.  It hasn’t worked” said Matt.

  Matt said “I love you” and she said I love you too.  Matt asked her to stand and then he calmly laid her down over his lap.  He pulled her skirt up and began to spank Ann with his hand.  Matt says he knows it is right to use your voice for control and not to leave your wife alone in silence during a spanking like this, but he could not think of things to say.  He says the only things he kept repeating was “I love you” and “keep still now” every few minutes.

  He said he was tormented as she started crying and then wailing.  He said he needed to wait until he broke her to accomplish what he had set out for.  Matt says that once she was sobbing that she would “never do it again”, just to “please let her up”  then he started with the questions. 

 He never stopped spanking while sternly asking questions in a low voice.  “are you beautiful?” “what kind of mother are you?”  “who is an amazingly strong woman?” “are you sexy, what’s sexy about you?”  He said he must have had a hundred questions for her and he didn’t stop until she was screaming that she was wonderful, smart, beautiful, fun, sexy, desirable and many other things.

 He let her go and she sank to the floor.  Matt stepped to the couch, picked her up and held her in his arms for over an hour.  Ann cried as long as she needed to because Matt told her to.  Matt said he just whispered in her ear every so often, things like “you are the best mother I could ask for our kids”  “you are the sexiest woman I know” and so on.

  Ann says that when she finally calmed down she could not get close enough to Matt.  They were both exhausted and went to take a nap in bed.  When they awoke, they made love and talked a long time afterward.  Ann told Matt things would be different now.  She says it’s just crazy that a spanking helped her with her self esteem, but it most certainly did.  Only because a man who didn’t want to hurt her in any way, did what he thought best for her and their marriage.

I am about to go out on a limb and tell you about the night I broke my dear sweet loving wife. I fear if you were at all offended by the last two recounts, then mine will cause you to hate me.  I never set out to break her that night, we didn’t even know what that meant.

I would once again, like to explain a few things before the story of my “AHA” (I’m so proud he actually just typed that he broke me, up until know he would not say it)If you are new to this blog, you need to know that I started the move to the dynamics our marriage now encompassed.  I wanted him to lead the family, run the household and dominate me in the bedroom.  I had realized my sexual nature was best brought out when control is stripped from me.  Call that what you will, but there are much darker kinks than wanting your husband to be the man. 

  So, in our discussions about what I needed sexually, he had to draw some lines because he had  boundaries he was not comfortable crossing.  He said he would not harm me and he would never actually force me.  He would play forcefully with his strength, but he would not force himself on me.  I was sad. I tried to explain that I wanted to give him blanket consent and that as weird as it may sound to him, I am aroused by the very notion of being ‘used’ by him.  Well, we had long talks about what that would and would not include because of his deep respect for women.

OK.  All that out of the way.  Here we go.  We had been trying out my new dominant male role and it seemed to delight her, but she was still not really feeling it and could not express what was missing to me.  She could not because she did not know.  I can’t argue with that.

  She is a uniquely strong woman and this has been a bumpy road with both of us frustrated.  Well, we had a fight that I let get out of hand (I say “I let get out of hand” because it should have been my job to not let it escalate as it did).  Anyway, she ended up storming out.  She got in her car and left.  She was gone a long while and did not take her cell phone as I have stated she should always have it with her.

  We established early in our relationship that things that create distance are unacceptable.  We are to cleave to each other as the Bible says. A cooling off period is one thing and often good so that harsh words are not said, but stonewalling and throwing the cold shoulder is another thing altogether.

  I heard her car in the garage and walked over to the door.  I figured she was cooled off now and went to wrap her in my arms.  She pushed right by me and went to our room.  She came out to feed the kids and did not look at me.  She was very cold.

  Everything He is saying is correct. I was doing what wives do in relationships that are not as close and intimate as ours and I was doing it very disrespectfully.   Why?  I couldn’t  tell you at the time.  I had asked Him to lead and I was being a b*tch when He tried that night.

  I pulled her aside and told her we needed to talk and she just looked at me and walked away.  She pushed me away for hours and I was mad.  Just like Matt, I called my sister and asked her to take the kids for an overnight.  I packed them up and ran them over there while she took a bath. 

  I sat in the living room while I calmed myself.  I knew what I was about to do would take all the will I could muster. I walked into the bathroom and told her to get up and dry off.  She pretended I wasn’t there.  She stared at the ceiling while I chose my words carefully.

 “You will not put distance between us.  It is wrong.  I have tried to talk to you and I’ve tried to hold you and you only create more distance.  I feel closest to you during sex.  Stand up.”

  She did stand up, but she had a ‘you wouldn’t dare” look on her face.  I grabbed a towel and she put her hand out as if I was going to hand it to her, but I draped it around her and scooped her up.  I was going to lay her on the bed, but she started twisting around and I ended up dropping her on the bed.

  She began scrambling to get up and I was trying to hold her down.  She is much smaller than me, but I still had a heck of a time because I was trying not to hurt her.  I think if spanking were an option for us (it’s not because of her back surgeries) I would have put her over my knee for a moment just to get her attention.

 It was happening really quickly and I was reacting faster than I could assess the situation.  My fight or flight kicked in before my brain could think and I fought him.  He is so wise.  I was pushing him away for dealing with an argument the way I had asked him to.  He took control of it so it wouldn’t escalate and leave it to me to still take it up a few notches.  I don’t know how he stayed so calm, the very picture of confident self control.  We had agreed to never push each other away like this and he was right to use anything in his toolbelt to bring us back together.  I hadn’t responded to talking or touching and so what did he have left?

  We wrestled like the couple in our first story.  I had made up my mind and was not going to back down.  I’ve learned you can’t pin even a tiny lady on her back and so I flipped her onto her belly.  She kept trying to pitch me off.  I had kept careful control of my words up to this point.  I grabbed a handful of hair and raised her head up to speak to her.  She stopped fighting me.  I nearly growled in her ear. ” Turn over and make love to me, or keep fighting and get F***ed.”

  Please hear me when I tell you that the F-word is not offensive within our sexual relationship.  We admit that people in love sometimes make love and sometimes just need some crazy sexual release.  So don’t think he was throwing around some insult, it’s a word we use in the privacy of our bedroom and it has no negative connotations there.  Also, under normal circumstances, I really like it when he takes a handful of my hair and he did not hurt me at all.

   Normally, a woman who has made herself always sexually available to her husband would be glad to end an uncomfortable argument by flipping over to be made love to.  Everyone needs those close, warm feelings after a fight.  But what did I do?  Pushed him.  I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was pushing him to prove he would never back down.  I think all hell would have broken loose in our marriage if he backed down.

I didn’t back downI barely got the sentence out and she started fighting more than ever.  I tried to have a strong stern statement for anything she threw at me but I know I said “you will not put distance between us” several times and also “stop fighting me”. 

  I had her pinned pretty well and told her to open her legs for me.  Usually this directive stated like a command  really does it for her because of the submission involved.  I decided to use it now.  She fought.  I repeated myself.  She tried to buck really hard and then started crying.  I loosened my grip thinking is was over and she tried to throw me off of her again. 

 I pinned her again but ended up with a grip on her neck when my hands stopped pulling her down.  She loves my hand on her neck under normal circumstances because it is so large and she says she feels a primal submission when I have her thin pulsing neck in my hand. ( FYI, NOT choking her, it’s just where my grip on her ended up after another go round.  I never choke her, ever)

  She was still pressing against my weight as if she was fighting but she opened her legs.  I slid into her  and whispered ” that’s my girl” and she went limp and started sobbing.  I felt horrible and pulled out and she screamed “NO!” and grabbed at me.  I didn’t quite understand it at the time, but she needed to sob and she wanted me inside her while she did it.  I slid back in and she sobbed and sobbed.  I just whispered “I’m right here, I’d never let you push me away” and ” i love you”  a lot.

  I was fighting for no reason at all and thought I was going to win.  He did not back down.  I was going to fight the whole night if I had to and then his hand was on my neck.  This touch I always savor so much flooded me with true submission, the actual desire to submit at that moment.  I did and it made me cry for this fight and every other time I fought for the control I didn’t want anyway.

  He says he now wishes He hadn’t penetrated me when i finally submitted.  I am glad He did.   One reason is  because He had said He would in order to bring us together and it would have meant He backed down in some way even though He won.  The other reason was that I needed Him that close while I cried.  I don’t cry very often and it’s good He was there part of me.  I would have felt alone in my tears only pinned under Him. 

He says He doesn’t remember it, but He said “Don’t worry, I’ll always do what’s needed”.  He says that doesn’t even make sense to Him, but it meant the world to me and I was able to then turn over and offer myself fully to Him.  We made soft gentle love for a short time and then slept quite a while.

I awoke a new woman and all the amazing little alpha things he did for me now carried so much masculinity with them that I found myself constantly aroused.  A strong grip on my wrist, a hand rested on my neck or the whisper of “that’s my girl” in my ear literally makes me weak in the knees.  Occasionally he sends me a text asking me to do something for him and once I respond I will, the answer is ‘that’s my girl’ and I get so girlie inside I am floating.

SO, what do these encounters have in common? Well, first of all, they were all with couples who were actively pursuing a strong marriage with a dominate husband as the head.  They all were having trouble making it click even though everything seemed OK.  All the wives cried and each thanked their husband profusely for NOT BACKING DOWN.  Each of these wives agrees that things would have taken a horrible turn if the husbands had backed down and left them alone during the struggle.  Each couple has been very happy since.

Men, do not back down, she has been looking for proof that you are the man who deserves her respect and submission.  For these women it only took one night to prove it.

I want to put out there that not all women need this only once.  We know of a few couples that find it is needed anywhere from every few months to every few years.  The wives say they start to get this antsy feeling like their submission is losing  something.  Their husbands have said they can tell when another “AHA” moment is needed and the wives are always amazingly grateful.

If your wife is just feeling very emotional and doesn’t seem to have a reason, she just may need a chance to cry it out in your arms.  Being a strong woman, I can’t seem to find a way to just let it out.  My darling Husband has been able to see these times better than I.  He holds me very tight and does not let me go and tells me to “let it all out” and He will hold me for as long as needed.  I would guess that is only about once a year, but I always feel so much lighter.  It is often just a build up of kids and schedules and not a reflection of our relationship.

  OK men.  There you have it.  If you’ve been trying this kind of relationship and there is something missing that neither of you can explain, this may be your answer.

God bless you.

 

 

To clear things up… Monday, Feb 2 2009 

My sweet husband read over the blog last night as He prepared to answer some of the questions that you have sent him.  He thinks that I have been somewhat misleading in my posts.  He asked me to reread the blog as a total stranger and see what kind of relationship it may seem we have.  He is right, I need to clear things up a little.  I thank Him for his input and willingness to be a part of this project.

I have not meant to be misleading.  I can see that my posts have made it seem like we are not in a relationship where He is the head of the house.  He is.  He MOST DEFINATLY is.  His leadership is so subtle and He thinks so highly of me that I can easily gloss over this both inwardly and outwardly because it happily happens unnoticed.

We agreed from the beginning to have a Christian marriage with the husband as leader.  He has promised to cherish me, to always consider my wants and needs and to resect my intellect.  He has asked that I pretty much run the day to day household things because he knows he can trust me to always try to do the right thing and to consult him if I think there is something he would like a say in.  He is very busy and feels no need to micro-manage our lives and quite often admits that he would screw up the the nice little family groove I’ve established.  He says I am wise about parenting and leaves me to establish rules and guide our three children.

I run the ‘house’ because he wants it that way and it makes his life easier and enjoyable.  A good leader knows when to deligate and he feels he leaves the important things in very capable hands; mine.  I have said in another post that we are equals and we are.  If He were writing this he would say so also.  If there is any unbalance in our relationship, it is because He is likely to weigh my wants, needs, opinions heavier than His own.   Because I am Biblically submissive, He has the final say.  Always.  As a good Christian husband, he loves me as Christ loves the church.  Sometimes this translates to him sacrificing for his bride.  When we do not agree on something and he has truly listened to me and my point of view I can happily let him make the final decision with no fighting necessary.  More often than not, his final say is in my favor because he holds my opinion in such high regard.  (this was so very surprising to me at first.  I thought agreeing that in our marriage he had final say meant that when we disagreed, he would get his way and that was final.  I married such a great man.)

  I hope things are a bit clearer.  I had stated that only our sex life was D/s (Dominant/submissive) and left some of you confused about the marriage.  I am submissive in our everyday life, but he would never think to “dominate” me or try to manage my every step or thought.  We are a team and run through life very smoothly because of mutual respect and very strong bonds of love and affection.  Just the way He has always wanted His marriage to be.  If the need be, He would find it His place to correct me, but we both strive so hard to please each other that it barely takes a word for me to change what I am doing in order to make him happy.

  This blog is mostly about the part of our relationship that includes ‘power transfer’ and that is because it is hard for Christians to find much on this topic without pornography or other unwanted content.  And so, I talk about our sex life.  Ours in one where He is in charge and I am here for His pleasure.  This is not how our marriage started out.  It slowly headed this direction at my request.  It was very hard to express to such a loving, gentle man that I needed him to really take control sometimes. I needed to feel his control sometimes in order to feel submissive in our marriage.  Because he loves me, he very slowly started trying to make this happen.  We had to talk about it A LOT.  He asked me questions that He probably did not really want to ask and that I had a very hard time answering, but it brought us closer.  At times I had trouble putting into words the way I wanted to feel: that I wanted to feel and really know his control.  To know beyond know that when push comes to shove, my man did not back down, Would not back down, not for anyone, not even his wife if that is what being the head of this household means.  I am a very strong woman and had to prove it every day in my career.  There is a certain safety in marriage when you know your husband won’t put up with your “stuff” if it hurts the marriage.

I wish I could have put it into words like that years ago.  Life would have been a little easier.  I wanted to submit fully and needed to feel his power in order to do it.  He has ways of reminding me of just how powerful he is and when he uses them, for days  I feel girly and sweet and overwhelmingly drawn to my strong manly husband.