I received a letter from a husband who is moving toward being a more dominant HOH (head of household). He has asked for some advice. With his permission, I am posting a portion of his letter…
My wife says although she respects me as a person, she doesn’t feel real respect for me as HOH. I feel strongly that we are in need of our own AHA moment, but I just don’t know what to do. She doesn’t brat or really do anything wrong because she wants to please me. From speaking with her, I know that she could use a straight forward dominant display with no chance I’ll back down. She wants to feel my power. I think a real spanking would do the trick, but as I said, she’s not naughty or bratty or anything like that and I don’t want to make a mountain out of a molehill just for the chance to spank her because she needs/wants it. I could use your advice.
Well, all my readers who spank may feel free to chime in here, but I’ll give this one a shot. Even though we don’t spank, I think I can wrap my head around the dynamics of it. Spanking is an obvious showing of who’s who in the D/s relationship. From my own submissive standpoint, I would think that you can spank her just because you both need the roles established in an outward and obvious way.
Would it be out of the question to call her to you and tell her that you know all her submissive needs are not quite being met and you’ve decided to try something new to help establish your roles within the household? I believe it is just fine to take her over your knee and let her know she’s learning today that you mean what you say and will not be backing down. Tell her you’ve realized that the only way you are going to get the full respect a HOH deserves from her is with her bottom warmed. If you need to lecture her during the spanking (and she hasn’t done anything wrong to correct) tell her she’s asked to feel your power and now she is going to hold still because she asked for this.
Please see my other posts about spanking and how to do it properly. HERE (but no need for role playing) and HERE. I know I’ve not had a full spanking before, but as a submissive, I do understand the need for you to make sure you finish the spanking. This could backfire if you can’t finish the job. If you don’t have a crying, begging girl on your lap, your job is not done yet. Be stern, be thorough and when it is over be loving to your wife who now understands things a little better.
Readers, especially the ones that use spanking, please chime in with your advice as well.
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This portion is being added on April 15th…
I have received several e-mails on the topic. They range from kindly informational to insultingly mean.
I do not mean to insult the spanking community by posting on the topic without being in a spanking relationship myself. I get asked for advice, I do what I can to provide a thoughtful answer. And I appreciate those that add their advice to the comments section.
It seems everyone (so far) agrees with me in the portion where I told the husband he can spank just to establish roles and without his wife doing something that needs punishing. I used the word “crying” in the advice and that is where people are divided.
Once again, we do not spank and I am only speaking from a submissive partner’s point of view, but what I meant to express was the submissive’s need for the husband to see the spanking through to the end. Each husband should be in tune with his wife enough to know when this point has been reached. For some this may be tears, for some it may be when they are silent or are still and accepting of what the husband thinks is needed. Every woman is different.
God's gift to Him 
I would have suggested the exact same thing. In fact that’s pretty much what it took for my HOH and I. Maybe some subs don’t need that “fear” factor to gain respect, in my case I did. I needed to know that my otherwise calm, cool and loving husband could do what needed to be done, and he did. And even now periodically I need that reminder. It’s just me, it may not work for everyone.
The one thing I disagree on however is the crying issue. I know a lot of DD websites say that you need to make your sub cry. I don’t believe this is true for all subs. In the almost two years that we have done TTWD I have never cried. It’s just not who I am and I have talked to other subs who don’t cry either. Believe me the punishments are certainly long enough and get the message across but I am not a crier when I am physically in pain. I need to be emotionally injured before I cry. The few times I have been close to tears in a punishment were the times I really let my HOH down and then it was because of the emotional tone of the lecture not because of the spanking. So don’t think that for all women crying is the ultimate end to a punishment or you may just be there spanking away for a few weeks!!!
Just my opinion, hope it helps.
Thanks for the added info!!! I’m sure any little bit helps.
Janet, You’ve got it right. Sounds like you’re a good wife. Believe I’d like to be your hubby.
Zed
I thought I would offer the other side of the submissive coin. I do need the tears. I don’t cry easily either, but my tears do not come from the pain. They come from when I finally let go of control. I tend to fight him and resist giving into the spanking (emotionally) and I fight any lesson he is trying to teach me. It takes a while, but his very stern voice sinks in after a bit and then I feel like a horrible sub and wife for my defiant attitude about the spanking. This is the point when I cry. He keeps going though until he has reached the shade of pink he set out for. Just for me personally, if I haven’t cried, the point was not made because I am still fighting him internally.
All subs need different things and I hope the husband that wrote the letter knows his wife well enough to meet her needs.
Thanks to you to. I’ll e-mail the husband to make sure he reads the comments as well as the post.
I thought I’d chime in with the male (HOH) perspective. My wife also wanted me to be much more dominant and we were having trouble figuring out how to make it tangible.
We were in the exact same situation and I made one large mistake…as I was considering the idea of spanking her, I would sometimes say things implying I would ‘tan her hide’ or ‘redden that ass’. She sometimes would say something bratty back like “oh, big talker” because she knew I wasn’t following through.
After a few of those, I did pull her over my knee once or twice, but only smacked her a few times and it was rather playful.
She finally came to me and let me know this was very frustrating for her. She wants to know I’m a man who doesn’t back down and she felt as if I were teasing her by starting to follow through and then stopping or even worse making it into a joke and laughing. She let me know that she felt as though I was mocking her submission or at least her need for dominance.
I did pretty much what you described and spanked her just to establish that I’m the boss. I did not stop until I was sure she had enough. I spoke the whole time. She treats me with much more respect now and says she is happier knowing that I can take charge.
I thought any husbands out there trying to meet their wife’s needs in this way could learn from my mistakes and not give halfhearted taps when what she’s craving is for you to prove to her that you can be the strong HOH she needs. Go for the gusto–TODAY.
My husband and I have recently started our D/s relationship. He often “pops” my bottom but he has yet to really give me the spanking that he tells me he will or that I really crave or need. How can I approach this with him without overstepping my place?
Can you not just ask for a spanking for the sake of it. Some call it a maintenance spanking.
We too did this. I had to work up to it in my mind, I didn’t know if I could go the whole nine yards. I did and was surprised at how much it changed our relationship.
I can’t belive my wife is so much happier when ‘put in her place’ as we say it. I establish our roles maybe once a month with a spanking and a lecture about who’s who in our marrage.
Her reaction to getting her needs met has made it much easier. In fact I looke forward to these times now. I can even admit that her reddened backside is a turn on for me because of what it means to our relationship.
Good advice and I would like to add one thing. Back when I was needing him to establish dominance my husband also used spanking, but he added one thing. He spanked for a while and then slipped me off his lap and had me perform oral sex on him. Then pulled me back on his lap for more spanking.
He was giving my unexperienced butt time to adjust and also adding to the level of submission. We went back and forth like this for an hour and each time I was on my knees I thought maybe the spanking was done, but was pulled up again and again until my butt was HOT. He had never done ANYTHING like this.
He talked to me while spanking and while getting a blow job. He was so stern about being the boss now and I saw him as the leader.
We really needed something to tip the scales on our D/s transition or we were going to kill each other. The combination of the spanking and being required to service him really did the trick for us. I think the way he stretched it out for an hour was smart because it gave me time to really get my head around the changes that were starting right now.
there’s my 2 cents too.
PS I did cry and needed to get to that point. At one point I was crying and asking not to go back up on his lap, he pulled me back up anyway and that is when he earned the title of HOH in my mind.
If my husband was capable of this my life would be SOOO much better. He’s not and says he never will be. Knowing my needs will never be met is a hard pill to swallow.
Don’t worry, ‘so sad’, my man said the same thing. He was sure he would never ever and now a year later things are very VERY different. These things take time.
I’m in the same boat. I’ve sent this article to my husband three times and he will not discuss it with me. I have let him know that all I really want is an open discussion about who wears the pants in our house but if he will not talk to me about it I guess he will never ever show me who is boss. It makes me think about cheating with a spanker. I don’t want to but I need to be with a strong man. I thought I married one but if he won’t even discuss who is the boss, he certainly isn’t going to show me who is boss. I bet he thinks it is silly for a smart woman to want this. I don’t care, I want it really really bad.
It took my husband a little time, I talked to him and told him why it was important to me. The we got into an arguement one day and before I knew what hit me I was over the bed and his belt was off. Things are way different now 2 yrs later. I am finally with the stong man I craved and he is with the loving woman he wanted.
My husband and I have talked about this in a round about kind of way. Just as yu say I need to feel he is a strong leader and won’t back down not evn for me.
I think he is revving up to try something like this. My prblem is that I can not see him following thruogh. If he chooses a spanking to estblish roles I just know he won’t finish the job.
I think as soon as I start begging him to stop he will stp. To be truly happy I need to knw my husband is a strong take charge guy.
If he starts this and then stops because I yell at him or cry or something I thnk I will have no respect left. I do not think he is strong enogh to keep going against my will and this makes me so sad. I need a strong man in my life so that I can feel protected and safe.
Trueheart,
Perhaps you could show him the new post titled Needs and Wants. Maybe that would help you explain that although at that moment you want him to stop, what you need is for him to follow through to the end.
Good luck,
gg
When we first started DD I was sure that my husband and I were never going to make it to the “real” stage. Well he really busted my butt one night by lifting my legs up above my head kind of like the diaper position and he used one of those hard soled house shoe of his size 12. I then remember going into what could only be called shock. It was the first time I cried I mean really cried. I can not imagine where we would be if that didn’t happen. He does what needs to be done and I am so lucky. I do however wish he was a bit stricter with me. I need to feel owned and he is growing into his role slowly. I hope one day to be able to say that we have reached extreme measures but for now I am happy.
The first time I was spanked, I did fight for a while and then was begging. Up until that point, I would not have thought my husband was man enough to keep going if the woman he loved was begging him to stop.
He kept right on going and we’ve had a whole new understanding since that day. I do have much more respect for him since then. It seems funny to look back and see a time when I didn’t think he could follow through.
I just found out that I am the wife described in the letter from the husband at the beginning of this post. He is very easy going and I never would have thought he could do it.
I want to tell you that not only was I spanked, but he was far more manly than I would ever expected. He caught me off guard and spanked me past complaining, begging, crying or sobbing. Once I got to the begging part I thought I had reached the level he was looking for and respected him as the HOH then. What I learned is that there is a whole new level of respect about five minutes after the crying started and I’m glad he took me there. It was very hard, but I see him in a way I had never imagined. Men should really be sure to finish the spanking.
After this point, I thought I really did understand our roles and how we would be from now on. I got a new lesson about two months later. I receieved my second citation for not wearing my seat belt. I thought we were done spanking after that first one, but I was pulled over his lap for a spanking that made the first one seem easy. He was so wonderful and told me how my safety is his job and he was not happy that I put him in the position of needing to teach me a lesson. When the spanking was over he let me lay over his lap for a time. Then he asked me if I understand that he leads and I obey. After I said that I did, he told me if I really believe that I will go get the large flat hairbrush out of the bathroom. (you have to understand that this man has never really so much as raised his voice to me and the way he could spank caught me very much off guard) I didn’t move and he said again that if I believe he is HOH I will go get the brush. I did. When I came back I told him I was very sore and was scared to let him use that brush. He said that he is even more scared of me getting killed in an accident because I didn’t wear my seat belt. That nearly broke my heart and I put myself over his lap. He told me a hand spanking must not be enough and so he would make sure the next few times I got into my car, my bottom would remind me to fasten my seat belt.
The brush hurt. I didn’t think I could take it, but once again, I was moved to a level of respect for him that I didn’t think was possible. This second spanking really did establish our roles forever.
Thank you for giving my husband the good advice.
Kari
P.S. I sure did buckle my seatbelt the next day!
I can’t stop thinking that I want a husband strong enough to do this. I fantasize alot that he can spank me past tears and then be tender with me afterward while I recover from the outpouring.
I have heard that there are people who do this for strangers. I’ve even checked out an ad on Craig’s list. I’m so tempted but the problem is I want this from my husband. I want to live with and love the man who thinks it is his right to show me who is boss.
What do I do when I have expressed my needs and he wont meet them? I don’t want to cheet but I feel like I can’t have a fulfilling relationship without it.
You all are messed up!!
These were very enlightening posts. I was considering talking to a friend of mine who is a Sex Therapist. My issue is I was 😦 Was very attracted to my husband but lost the desire for him when we were having “issues”. It got to the point were he was begging for sex just as a means of reasurance I loved him. After long thought I think That killed our sex life.
My issue is I’m not sure with my dominant personality (I’ve always had to be) how can I become a good submissive when he just doesn’t have what it takes to be dominant?
I need this so much. I guess my husband can’t accept that his smart and pretty wife would want this from him but I do. I have sent this article three times to him and he will not even talk about it. I need to see him as the boss soon or we will unravel I just know it. It makes me wish I was with a stronger more take charge man. Why is it so hard for a husband to spank his own wife when she needs it?
What the hell is wrong with you women? Way to throw your rights away
Handing them over is not throwing them away. Handing them over denotes ownership and free will to do so, it also shows the immense trust that you have in each other.
I can see on the surface how it may appear to be throwing away rights of women. Yet, I gain so much by being submissive. Granted, it may not be for everyone and that is ok too but for those of us that are deeply submissive, it is throwing away far more to fight for ‘riights’ we don’t even want.
My wife submits to me but she is not erotically wired for spanking. Oh well.
I USED TO BE A SWITCH WITH MY WIFE…SHE WOULD TAKE ME OVER HER KNEE AND SPANK ME WHEN I MISBEHAVED. I KNOW NOW THAT SHE NEEDS ME TO BE STRONG STRICT AND DOMINANT. THE HOH AND THE UNDISPUTED AUTHORITY IN OUR MARRIAGE. I HAVE SINCE STOPPED BEING SPANKED AND I REALLY LOVE BEING THE ONLY ONE IN CHARGE I LOVE PUTTING HER IN HER PLACE. I AM VERY VERY STRICT I SPANK HARD USUALLY WITH HER OVER MY KNEES. BUT I MIX UP THE POSITIONS. I ALSO USE GROUNDINGS SCOLDINGS AND CORNERTIME. I LOVE MY OUR NEW ROLES SO MUCH AND HONESTLY SPANKING HER TURNS ME ON. THE PROB IS THAT SHE DOSNT SHOW ME ANY RESPECT AS HOH SHE IS DISOBIDIENT. SHE THINKS IM A CLOSET SUBMISSIVE WHO IS PRETENDING TO BE DOMINANT. SHE CALLS HERSELF SUBMISSIVE AND SHE WANTS TO BE BUT SHE MAKES ME FEEL SO DISRESPECTED AND BAD AS HER MAN. IT HURTS SO BAD I DONT SHOW HER MY FEELINGS ARE HURT SHED RESPECT ME EVEN LESS.