I titled this post trying to be funny. Yes, I’m the head of a household and yes, my wife is submissive but the title of dominant husband is amusing to me.
I’m here to answer questions that you have sent to my sweet little wife. This is her blog, but she didn’t want to answer everything in third person.
I would like to start off by saying that I am no expert. I don’t pretend to be. All I have to offer is experience from one single relationship with one really strong opinionated women. This woman desired to have a marriage based on the Bible in which I lead while we both love and respect each other. She also desired to give up control in all things sexual and asks that I “be the man”. She likes it when I do things that give her submissive feelings and I have come to relish the feelings of control that result.
We’ve found a comfortable, sexy, happy way to do this that works FOR US. I think our marriage is blissful and steamy and fun. I DO NOT think that it is for everyone. Because it works for us, many of you who desire a similar situation have asked some specific advice and this is why I’m answering.
I am going to break up the questions into a couple of posts so the post is not horribly long (like the last one).
This first post will be about the little things that you can do to express your control in everyday situations (I will cover bedroom business at a later date). These things may work on their own and also may need a little push after a time in order to help bring out those submissive feelings she desires. (if she doesn’t desire them, you are in the wrong place right now) To learn more about that little push, I would ask that THE MEN ONLY click and read the last post before reading more here.
The main question we’ve been getting is “What EXACTLY are these “alpha male” displays she talks about?”. Some of them seem so trivial, but I’m still going to list off the ones that come to mind. (no certain order) These are not very exciting. They are small things you can do.
- Use terms of endearment that express femininity and smallness. Call her little one, baby, sweet girl, dolly, girl (my girl), angel, small one, etc. If she currently calls you baby or something of that nature, ask her to stop and tell her you feel it’s emasculating for a man. ( I try to make up situations where she can choose to submit (or not) to something small and then use one of these) Ex. Baby, wear that red dress I really like, not the one you have laid out. When she come out in the one I chose I give her a knowing look and say “that’s a sweet girl”. She says it makes her feel very girly.
- Use a low voice. Work on always keeping your voice deep. After a few weeks of concentrating on it, it will be a habit to use your deepest speaking voice.
- Keep your cool. Alpha males are the least excitable. You know the hero in a western who turns very slowly (if at all)to the insult of a bad guy while the rest of the room spins around and gasps. Think like that. Funny I know, but it’s a mental picture.
- I use power moves. Sitting her on the floor between your legs so that she is kneeling and facing you is a big power move. I hold both of her arms or hands. Her back against a wall while I stand arms length away with a hand on the wall near each of her shoulders is another. I use them mostly when I need to have her really listen to me. A finger under her chin to encourage eye contact doesn’t hurt either.
- Don’t repeat yourself.
- Show you want her in little ways like holding her in a hug or kiss longer. When she starts to release you, keep her there a little longer. It’s over when you say it’s over. (you don’t say it, you do it)
- Grab her with strong hands. We are a very touchy couple and before I would rest a hand on her arm or shoulder. Now I grip it; her wrist, knee, back of neck, etc. I don’t hurt her, It’s just that I don’t passivly lay my hands on her anymore. Even in church or a restaurant, if I’m touching her, I’m holding her. (she loves that) If my arm is around her at a meeting, by hand has a hold of her upper arm, it’s not just sitting there on the back of her chair. She adores my hand on the back of her neck. Many women do. Try it next time you wait in line for something.
- Although I am not bossy (outside of our sexlife) I have changed the way I make statements. “I think I like the red one best” should be “I choose the red one”. Practice this. People don’t notice the actual words, but notice you make strong statement and know what you want.
- I use my size. I am a large man and I lift weights. Even though it’s playful, I often walk forward when she goes to hug me which pushes her back against whatever is behind her and then I kind of pin her there for the hug or kiss she was going for. I hug her very tightly. When cuddling on the couch I will shift her position using the strength in my arms instead of asking her to move. If you are not larger than her, you can still use some of these.
- When she hugs me I often speak right in her ear in a deep voice. “you are so sexy” or “just wait til the kids go to bed” has a great affect when growled close enough to feel your breath on her neck.
- If we discuss “rules” (I don’t like that word), I don’t ask her, I tell her. Ex. We’ve established that when she is out, especially with the kids, she needs to keep her cell phone on her. I don’t ask her to take it with her tomorrow to the park. I say “remember your phone”.
- Use good posture. Shoulders back and down while sitting and standing. Head up over your spine not forward. Do not fidget.
These all sound very ordinary, huh? They are. This is the vanilla part of our life I am talking about. Most of the other stuff that doesn’t happen specifically in the bedroom, would fall under foreplay: (keep in mind that she has stated her desire to be always sexually available for me in any way I desire)
- I put my hands all over her and am not shy about it. EVER. Don’t touch her tentatively to test the water any longer, just put your hands where you want them. She may be cooking and if I want to stroke her breasts, bite her neck, slip hands under her skirt, I do it. I will not be batted away or stop until I want. (she’s asked for this type of attention. she may playfully try to swat me away if she is working on something, but she knows that will just get her hand restrained while I touch more) Afterwards I often kind of push her away or swat her with a grin as if to say “OK, I’m done with you now.”Don’t worry the kids never see any of this.
- I might stand in the kitchen and say “goodbye, have fun” to her as she leaves me with the kids to go out with a girlfriend, but I may walk into the garage as she pulls out and have her roll down the window. In the past I have reached through the window, grabbed a handful of her hair and pulled her ear close to my mouth. I say something along the line of “eat fast because if you are not back here naked and on your knees by 9pm, there will be hell to pay”. She loves that. Really. Ask her. No, I’m not being a beast of a husband, I would not demand her home by a certain time unless there was a really good reason. She knows that there isn’t a punishment waiting for her is she doesn’t make it back in time. She does know that I’ve got plans for her though which makes her think about me the whole time and makes her want to get back home.
- I don’t back down.
- I’ll text from work and declare it a “skirt day”. That means she is to wear a skirt or dress with no panties. She is to keep her body ‘ready for anything’. That means very clean, groomed, shaved and anything else you’ve agreed on as ready for any kind of play. My wife even washes again up every time she has to use the restroom in order to truly be ready for anything I may want to do with her. When I get home I do any number of things to her anytime we find ourselves alone even if only for a minute. I will address this more in the next post on sex. She is often in a skirt or dress when I get home even though I did not request it. I have also laid a favorite on the bed before I left for work. (when I see it on her in the afternoon, she, of course, gets a “that’s my girl”)
- I talk dirty to her. That’s right a Christian man, a leader in the church, a successful professional uses any and all words to thrill his wife. She has posted on it here and talks about what is right or wrong. Bottom line is if you feel convicted about it, don’t do it. I talk dirty to her. I growl in her ear things I will do to her (NOT WANT to do, but WILL do, remember your statements men) I use strong language and don’t feel it is dirty because God gave us a crazy sexy marriage. You would never hear me say “that is F***ed up” when talking to someone about current events. That is a curse. I will whisper to my wife all the ways she is going to get f***ed tonight while we pack lunches.
- I’m bossy when my action is a gift to her. Ex. “Go have a long soak in the tub while I dress the kids for bed, GO!” “Head outside and read your book while the sun is shining”. I don’t ask her if she would like a break. I announce she is getting one. This is not the same as “go make me a sandwhich while I turn on the game, GO!”. If you can’t see the difference, you need more help than this blog can give. ***smirk***
- I act like every little thing she does is hot. (My wife is so sexy, that it’s true. ) If you do this for two weeks straight, every thing she does will be hot. Seriously. If she feels like she can turn you on by walking by, she will do it with a flourish (or possible a flash) next time. Think about it as conditioning. If you grab a handful of backside and smack it along with a sexy comment each time you pass in the hall, she’s going to feel flirty and sexy every time you pass in the hall. This leads to sexual thoughts, which leads to arousal which leads to S. E. X.
- A dominant husband lets his wife know when he is pleased. Even if you don’t think your wife cares if you are pleased or not. Let her know you are. Often. It may seem like you are talking down to her, but statements of your pleasure in her are very welcome. Ex “you remembered my shirts, what an angel” My wife calls these “happy master” comments. She appreciates them because she says they make her feel submissive and feminine, but also appreciated.
Well, there are the every day things you asked for. Too vanilla? Sorry. Soon I’ll cover the times when you have to take the reigns ( A.K.A. arguments) and sex. I know many of you want specific pointers about taking control during sex, or taking it away from her.